Off the wagon

I have to begin with an apology. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I'd like to say it's because I've just been so dog-gone busy but that's just not the case. The reality is, I've galen of the wagon and I've been too ashamed to face you. It started at General Assembly. First I let myself eat some french fries at the burger joint we went to. They were so good and, really, it's okay because we were doing SO much walking. Then I bought the kids Ice cream and thought, what the heck, what's the harm, really? So I ate some too. Before I knew it I was home and full on binging on ice cream and chips in the privacy of my home. I haven't weighed myself, but I feel as if I've gained every pound back. The worst part is I feel like I've failed myself AND all of you.

I know I can't give up and so I've been giving myself all the typical lectures - you have to just get back on that horse, winners never quit and quitters never win, yadda yadda yadda, and so forth. But the reality is, I'm feeling pretty hopeless and discouraged tonight. I'm also feeling pretty alone in this. And as I've said before, I'm not very good when I'm alone.

Please keep me in your prayers as I attempt to regain my positive attitude, and as I figure out how to achieve the daunting goal of losing 150 pounds.

Thanks for all your support y'all, I'll talk to you soon, hopefully tomorrow.

Laura

"Tell It!"

I just heard the most amazing sermon tonight at General Assembly! She preached about hope and justice and about the power of telling your own story to other people. The theme this year is TELL IT! As a small but powerfull denomination, we are trying to find our place AND our voice in the world. So, it seems that this year we are going to try and drum up some enthusiasm for telling people about why we love being a Disciple of Christ (no, it is not a cult). Though I DO love being a DOC I won't go into the reasons here (but if you want to know, feel free to email me later!) The reason I want to talk about that sermon is because I have definitely discovered the amazing power of opening yourself up to people and sharing your story with them.

I have found this blog experiment to be the most liberating experience of my life. I think most of you know what it feels like to want people to like you, you know what it feels like to have things you hope no one finds out about. We all have felt the pressures of having a secret you'd be ashamed to tell. For me it was the shame of my eating disorder and it was definitely the shame of that number on the scale. By telling all of you every detail of my life in this way, by telling the world what that awful, terrible, no good number is on my scale, I have released any inappropriate shame into the atmosphere and I am taking responsibility for the things I have done wrong.

The big, giant terrible fear I had when I started all of this was, "oh my gosh, what if someone judges me? What if people think I'm weak or pitiful or pathetic? What if people think less of me?" I know I'm not the only person to have those fears and I won't be the last, but by taking the leap and by telling, literally, everyone what I weigh, what I eat and what I'm going through I have taken back the power from all those fears and I've given myself permission to move on.

Confession truly is cleansing for the soul. And while I don't believe a priest has the power to forgive my sins, I do believe the Catholic practice of confession is extremely hethy and is very healing. Now, I'm not telling you to walk up to strangers and tell them you enjoy wearing underwear on your head while watching the evening news, that might be too much sharing. But Ihave found this "Telling" thing to be a truly powerful and life changing experience and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to try it to. Trust me, the first confession is the hardest, but it gets much easier from there!

Love you all

Laura

Chaos Calls for Creative Dieting

Today was a day of bad choices and good choices. I ate 2 McDonalds cheese burgers but then I ate an apple. I ate a Cupcake Co.'s delicious keylime pie concoction. Then I went to Chili's Bar & Grill and ate a Quesadilla Explosion salad, which is one of the lowest calorie choices on the menue. I feel bad about the burgers and guilty about the cupcake but the apple and salad cause me to feel a tad bit smug. Crazy you say? A little irrational? Maybe. But what a great life would I have if I could figure out how to have my keylime cake and eat it to!?

While I've heard from several of you that you're worried about me because I'm not eating right the reality is, I have to do this my way one day at a time. If there is one thing I've learned from this process it's this: for every person who has lost weight, there is a different idea of what I should do to lose weight. Since I can't possibly do everything every person tells me I should do, I have to figure out what works best for me and my lifestyle. And the way I figure that out is by trial and error.

One thing is absolutely true about my life style - I have GOT to figure out how to lose weight by eating out 60% of the time. That's because about 60% of my life is spent traveling or just not at home at meal times. So all the folks who tell me I'll never lose weight unless I cook all my own meals and who say I must strictly monitor all the calories I consume are just going to have to get over that craziness right now!

I'm getting ready to go to the General Assembly of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). I will be traveling with youth, I will be staying in a hotel, I will be attending banquets where I have no choice in what I will eat and I an going to have to figure out how to maneuver through all that like bomb specialist walking through a mine field. There is very little planning ahead that can take place so every step I take will come with its own combo of decisions.

I'm looking forward to the challenge and I think I'm going into it with a good attitude. I have high hopes for a successful week. So, keep me in your prayers and I'll keep you in mine. And anyone who's reading this who's planning on being at the G.A feel free to bring your walking shoes and join me in a lap around the Convention Center!

Peace, Love, and Keylime Cupcakes!

Laura

(P.S. Normally I am obsessive about proof reading my stuff before I post it, but since I've been using my phone, that's become kind of difficult. Please forgive any misspelled words, typos, and grammatical mistakes. While I often lie awake obsessing about them, there's not much I can do short of deleting the whole post. So, thank you for your lack of judgement! LH)

Now boarding THE SCREAM MACHINE

Life is such a roller coster of highs and lows, good and bad success and failure and so forth. But the thing that comes in between the black and white of all that good and bad is the so-so-ness of gray. Right now, in regards to my weight loss experiment I am wading in the stagnant waters of grayness. I'm completely unmotivated yet I have NOT given up. I'm just sort of waiting for something to click in me that gets me back on track.

I said yesterday that I was dreading my weigh-in because I was so undisciplined while in Atlanta with my family. Miracle upon miracles, as of this morning my weight had not changed a single ounce. I'm still at 313.1. That's a HUGE relief because the way I ate those 3 days should have caused me to put on 5 pounds, at least!

Today I slept almost the whole day because I'm trying to beat this cold before I head out to General Assembly this weekend. And being sick does not lend itself to healthy eating habits. But then again, neither does traveling! So, while I hang out with all the members of my denomination for a week, while I stay in a hotel and eat out every day, while I hang with the kids from my youth group, I'll be trying, once again, to figure out how to be healthy in the midst of my faux jet setting lifestyle. That's a pretty tall order.

Now, going back to that roller coaster metaphor, this blog experiment is also a bit of a carnival ride emotionally for me. As I put my feelings and my life out there for all of you to see, I've discovered an awful lot of emotions that I've been burying for a long time. Anger, hurt feelings, shame etc. are kind of bubbling to the surface at unexpected times. I'm grateful for my family because they're just sort of taking it all in stride while I feel a little like a character from ONE FLEW OVER THE COOKOO'S NEST! I'm glad it's happening though because it is so cleansing to
finally voice these things that I've been carrying around for so long. It's like every time I cry it out or tell about it our what ever, I've lost another emotional pound. Boy, I sure do wish there was a scale to measure those! I'd have lost ten pounds just this week. But, as rewarding as it is to do psycho-calisthenics, I'm kind of hoping that this next week is emo-light. I think I've deserved some time off? Maybe if I'm not dealing with all that stuff I can find some more motivation to start the next phase of my weight loss plan. Okay, maybe I can PLAN the next phase of my weight loss plan.

So, as I sign of for now, please keep me in your prayers. This is just the beginning, the tip of the iceburg, the first layer of the onion, and so on. I can't do this without God and it seems I can't do it without you guys either!

Thanks for your support!

Laura

A speedy trip in a nutshell

It's late so I'm gonna do this quick. Here are the events of the past 4 days in a nutshell:
Had church (praise God!)
Drove to GA to see the 'Rents, my Cuz, my cuz-in-law, and 3 beautifully behaved pooches (woopee!)
Saw a movie about talking, transforming auto-bots (ate candy)
Made dinner with the fam' (ate too much)
Kissed the' Rents goodbye (sniff)
Drove to Sis's house (yea!)
Made out with my baby niece (SOOOOO CUTE!)
Hung out with the sis and the Nanny who is my Cuz (awesome)
Panera Bread Co. for Sup (ate a cookie)
Dropped my jaw at the Casey Anthony verdict (what?!)
Didn't get enough sleep (yawn)
Woke up with my mom's cold (sniff cough)
Ate lunch with the Aunt and the nanny-cuz (cool and yummy)
Hung out with an old friend and her spawn (fun)
Drove home (radio)
Ate fast food and main-lined diet coke (ugh)
Kissed 3 kitties (awwwww)
Took a double dose of Nyquil (Eeeesh)
Went to bed (Zzzzzzzzz)
Dread the A.M. weigh-in.

Food for Thought

Since my goal today was to clean and organize the house I once again put on a HOARDERS marathon. Watching people deal with the worst kind of mess imaginable helps me feel less anxious about doing some basic house keeping and such. I think, if they can do it, so can I. And as I vacuum and mop my floors, as I take the trash out and clean the bathrooms and change the sheets on the bed I find myself reflecting on the fact that while I am not hoarder of stuff, I am a hoarder of food. And while my house is not a mess, my body is.

As I listen to the show and as I listen to the therapists work with the people struggling to purge their stuff I find myself feeling envious of the help those people are getting. I understand the peoples feelings of resistance to the changes being imposed on them but I have the added perspective of being an outsider looking in. I can see how much help they really do need.

For me, the prospect of losing 150 pounds feels as overwhelming as the prospect of cleaning out one of those houses. Combine that with the knowledge that I need to deal with the reasons I gained all the weight in the first place or I risk gaining it all back again and I really feel overwhelmed.

The subjects on HOARDERS argue with their therapists about why they have to keep this item or that and they remind me of myself rationalizing why I need something else to eat our why I can't exercise right now. Anyone on the outside can look at me say "look at what you're doing to yourself! How can you not see it?" But the problem is not nearly as obvious to me as it is to everyone else.

I'm curious if anyone has ever considered comparing an eating disorder with obsessive compulsive disorder? If they have, I've never heard of it before. And I wonder what kind of success people could have with OCD oriented treatment. Because, the fact is, more often than not when I'm eating something I shouldn't I'm acting out of some feeling of compulsion and not out of a rational decision I've made for myself.

Well, I guess I should get back to my house keeping cause this house ain't gonna clean itself!

I'll talk at y'all later!

Laura

Only a girl would cry through a romantic comedy!

PMS has been tripple-y confirmed. I just cried all the way through THE SWITCH starring Jason Bateman and Jennifer Anniston. For all you boys out there, you are so LUCKY you don't know what this is like! :-) And if any of you guys are considering gender reassignment surgery, you might want to reconsider. Seriously. Three weeks of every month I absolutely LOVE being a woman, I'm proud to be a woman, actually. But one week of the month can often be like visiting the psych ward 20 minutes before meds are handed out. I'm having a hard time concentrating on and caring about weight loss right now. Please pray that I'm able to keep it together just enough that I don't do any permanent damage, at least until this passes?

Okay, time to go to bed and read my action adventure book that will probably make me cry.

See ya tomorrow!
Laura

Six Flags Over Estrogen

Okay, so, yesterday was NOT a good day for me.  I don't know what it was but I was truly in a funk.  Actually, I guess I've been in a funk for a couple of days.  I definitely have PMS, and for you guys out there who think PMS is just an excuse for women to act badly, you are wrong.  My hormones are bouncing off the walls like a kitten on catnip.  I've had mood swings and cravings and fatigue like you wouldn't believe and absolutely nothing in me to fight any of it.  Luckily, as I've mentioned before, I live alone - so the mood swings only affected one person - Me!  Likewise, the cravings and fatigue affected only me as well.  But I found myself at home last night chowing down on a bag of Salsa Sun Chips like there was no tomorrow and sort of reveling in them.  Then I chased them down with two low sugar ice cream bars.  I mean, I guess if I'm going to binge, at least it was with the lowest calorie chips on the grocery store shelf and with the lowest sugar dessert in the freezer, but still.  By the time I went to bed I was feeling pretty bad about good ole Laura.  And this morning I still felt so bad that I didn't even bother weighing myself. 
I'm okay now, the PMS pendulum is swinging in an upward arch at the moment and my mood is pretty good.  I'm feeling more positive than I was last night, that's for sure.  But the reality is, it's time to make another major change in my life style if I"m going to see any real success on the scale and waist size.  So far, I've become way more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth, which is good since before all of this I was mindlessly stuffing "food" down my throat without any memory of what I'd eaten when it was gone.  I've also developed a community that is holding me accountable in my eating and behavior, so that's good too.  But now I have to take the next step.  It's time to develop a routine of intentional movement that gets my heart rate going and my muscles flexing.  It's also time to be even more conscientious about what I'm eating.  It's not enough that I'm aware.  Now I actually have to have a balanced diet.

When what I really want to do is whine loudly and tell you all of the reasons why this is too hard for me and why my life is not conducive to healthy living, I will instead set a positive goal for myself.  I will promise that starting tonight I will exercise until I sweat hard for at least 30 minutes for the next 3 days.  After those 3 days I will set another exercise goal for myself and move on from there.  *Sigh*

Why is life so hard?  Why is THIS so hard for me?  Why can't I just eat a normal amount of food and burn it like a normal person and not have to think about it for even one second?  Why?  WHY?  WWWHHHHYYYYYYY?!  Okay,  I did whine after all.  Sorry about that.  I guess I needed to get that out of my system. 

So, It's time to go for now.  Hopefully tomorrow I will have driven way past the hormonal amusement park and I'll be able to process everything in a much more sane and rational way.  DOWN with emotions and UP with reason!  Down with hormones and up with celery!  Gooooooo dark & leafy green veggies!  Yea!

See you on the flip side!

Laura 

Rainy Daze Are Here Again...

Well, I'm sitting in my office on this dark and stormy day wanting so badly to be curled up in my bed reading a good book! Instead I'm waiting for the waters that have flooded the rest of the church basement to finally creep on up to my threshold. The church's sump pump that pulls water off the foundation of the building drains from a large pipe into this big hole in the floor of my office bathroom. About every 20 seconds it gushes gallons of water into the hole and pretty much just makes me have to pee. On top of all that, it's warm and muggy in here and so I'm irritable and just sort of blech-y (I don't think that's a word). And how do I want to address this bad mood? CARBS! Lots and lots of sweet and/or salty carbs combined with sweat pants, my recliner and a great book or a rented movie chock full of gorgeous, sword bearing, bare chested men! Sadly, I don't think I'm going to get any of that this afternoon.

On the plus side, I have channeled my irritability into cleaning my desk, and anyone who knows me or who has seen my desk knows that is no small thing. Consequently, I am no longer in danger of dying under an avalanche of papers and books, which is good. I'd hate for one of my little church kids to wander in here on Sunday and find me like that. I do not want to be responsible for one person's decades of therapy trying to purge his or her little mind of that image! And now that I can both see my desk AND find my computer, I am able to both breath easily and blog; Two very good things.

I have to decide what to do for lunch and dinner that does not include fries, ice cream or pizza, so that probably means I need to go to the grocery store. And as much as I hate shopping for groceries, I hate shopping for groceries on a rainy day even more. But I desperately need things like toilet paper, cat food and hummus (and if I eat the hummus, I'll REALLY need the TP! Sorry, that's gross.) so I guess I'll suck it up and go.

I must say, it's days like this that make me glad I'm still single. I can be grouchy and such without worrying if I'm bringing someone else down with me. I can just wallow and I don't have to think about someone else's wellbeing. Though, having someone else to worry about could be the very thing that pulls me out of the doldrums. Hmmmmm...

Anyway, today's blog isn't much, but at least I'm getting back into the routine of posting every day. I'm sorry if I seem depressed and have motivated you into a bad mood as well. Please don't be in a bad mood! That would make me feel bad, and if everyone feels bad then that is just plain bad! I need you all to balance me out and lift me up so that on another day I can balance you and lift YOU up! Come on people, it takes a village to raise this Laura right so buck up and be strong! I need you to be positive so I can be positive too!

Okay, now that that has been said, I'm gonna make like rain and get the hail outta here!

Love ya,

Laura

Succulent Wild Woman

Well folks, I survived another week of camp and I only gained 1 pound.  I consider that to be a HUGE success!  Other successes include my hike to the cross, eating mostly my own food all week (which was easy at first but got harder as the week went on), and bonding with the kids in a way I never have gotten to since coming to Alabama.  One of the reasons I work with children and youth is because I get to see God so purely in them all the time, and this past week was no exception.  I have to brag about the kids for a second because, quite frankly, they deserve it.  I believe there were around 27 high school kids at CYF Conference (for you non-Disciples of Christ folks, that's Christian Youth Fellowship Conference, a.k.a. high school church camp!) and this year each and every one of them displayed such grace, such generosity, such love for one another that I was often moved to tears.  When I wasn't crying I was laughing at their jokes, intentional silliness and unintentional goofiness.  They welcomed each other so completely that I find it hard to imagine anyone felt un-accepted.  Basically, camp was the anti-high-school experience that I wish more teens could have.  I truly love each camper so much!

In addition to all of the inspiration I got from the kids I also received the most amazing amount of support from each and every person there.  I got hugs, "way to go's," warm fuzzy notes of encouragement AND notes of solidarity, and so much more that I had the intense feeling that there was no way I could fail with so many people lifting me up.  Nothing is better than positive reinforcement to motivate me to work harder. 

During my last family group meeting we went around the table and took turns hearing all the affirmations the group had to say about us.  When it was my turn, one lovely young lady called me a, and I quote, "succulent wild woman."  She said it was a phrase coined in a book her mom was reading and she said that was how she saw me.  I'd like to believe that by being a "Succulent Wild Woman," I am a woman who sucks the marrow out of life and savors every moment of it; that I am wildly free in my own skin; and that I encourage others to be free in their own skin as well.  That young lady, whom I shall call Rose gave me this label that I'm not sure I can live up to now, but I'd sure like to work towards being a "Succulent Wild Woman" in the near future.

All-in-all, my church camp experience was one to put down in the books and I wish I had another week of it to look forward to this summer.  I wish all of the seniors blessings and much success as you leave this phase of your lives and move on to bigger and different things.  Know that God goes with you, as do all of us.  We are here for you always.  And here is a bit of wisdom from this Wild Woman, make sure that you take advantage of every opportunity that God sends your way, take as much as you can from every experience you have, and live your life to the fullest.  And most importantly, do not be afraid to be vulnerable with the people in your lives.  I have learned that, while vulnerability is a frightening thing, it is also the one thing that allows us to be the best of who we are and invites others to be the best of who THEY are as well.

I love you all, and until we meet back here again,

Peace, love and Church Camp!

Laura

Conquering fear and climbing mountains

Fear is often a terrible thing.  Sometimes it's good - like when fear tells you, "now Laura, don't walk down that dark alley alone, it looks dangerous;" or when fear says, "It's probably not a good idea to look down the barrel of a loaded gun."  But very often fear keeps us from doing things that really could be something wonderful!  For the past 4 years I have avoided hiking to the cross at Camp Hargis, the campgrounds of the Christian Church in Alabama & North West Florida.  Every kid and counselor who comes here talks about completing this very special & traditional ritual but I didn't know how hard the hike would be so I never even tried it.  All this time, fear has kept me from being a part of something that so many people have loved to do.

This year I set myself 3 goals for church camp.  1 - I would buy and prepare all my own food for the week instead of eat the calorie laden and nausea inducing grease fest this camp calls breakfast, lunch and dinner; 2 - I would hike to the cross; and 3 - I would wear my bathing suit to the pool instead of jump in wearing my clothes.  Today is Tuesday, day 2, and I have already accomplished 2 of the 3 goals!  Before the campers got here I went to Publix and bought all my food for the week and have been making my own meals each time.  Because so many of the people at my camp have been reading this blog they have been so supportive of me in doing this.  The camp even gave me my own little corner in the walk-in cooler to keep all my food!  And yesterday, the whole camp took a silent hike to the cross and they all were so excited to be doing it with me, especially since they knew what it really meant to me.

I'm not gonna lie, that hike was HARD!  I sweat buckets, I got a little dizzy at times, my legs turned to Jell-O, I thought I might throw up a couple of times, and I really, really, really did not think I would make it all the way.  The majority of the trail is very doable, but right at the end the trail runs out and you basically rock climb the rest of the way to the top.  By the time I got to that point my legs were already a little wobbly and I was breathing fairly hard.  I took one look at the kids scaling that mountain and I said, "well, this is far as I go!"  I just knew that if I tried that I'd fall off tuck into a ball, roll down the mountain and never be heard from again.  I admit I was a little relieved that I had a good excuse to stop and rest for a while until everyone came back my way to head back. But then Beth, our director, made the WONDERFUL observation that there was a slightly easier trail around the corner.  My excuse to stop vanished like vapor and I was on the move again.  When I finally got to the top I poured my water bottle over my head, said a few cuss words under my breath, and signed the cross with a sharpie just like every pilgrim who came before me.  Then I shared with the kids why this was such a big deal to me.  Most of them did not know about my blog experiment and did not realize that I was on this amazing journey, so they had no idea why the other counselors were making such a big deal about me getting up there.  But when I shared with them my story they were so cool and supportive, and maybe by being vulnerable before them I've allowed other kids who have body image issues to feel freed up to talk about their journey's with someone as well.  Who knows right?  Well, it turns out that getting down the mountain was almost as hard as getting up, but by the time I got back to Giltner Hall, our home away from home, I had the most amazing, relaxing, excessively indulgent rest I've ever had in my life!

I have to admit that I'm feeling pretty good about things.  Even though my weight appears to be going up these last few days, I know I can't and shouldn't really do things any differently.  I'm going to be eating healthier this week than I have in the past two and I've already conquered one major fear.  Today I believe I'll conquer the second.  This afternoon, if it's not raining, I will put on my bathing suit, walk to the pool, and swim my little heart out in all my flabby glory!  I know that if I'm going to reach my goal of physical health and radiant beauty I'm going to have to get comfortable with my body no matter what form it is in today.   Therefore, I get to look forward to some refreshing playtime in the sun!

I hope all of this finds you doing well and your week treating you fabulously!  Tomorrow I will do my best to borrow another computer during one of our rare down times so I can keep you updated on my progress here at camp.

Shalom my friends,

Laura

Camp Food here I come!

Holy Moley was I tired!  Vacation Bible School was totally awesome - so awesome I wish more kids had come to experience it with us.  We learned all about Noah, the flood and the Ark, the kids got to make all kinds of awesome crafts - including a 6 foot long replica of the actual ark, they learned lots of new songs, and I got to hear my own name called out, on average, 30 times a second.  Now I know why Girl Scout Camp Counselors get nicknames for the summer - Anyone who has to hear their name called out that many times for that long will certainly file for a name change as soon as the summer is over.  Seriously, how annoying is this: "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!""Laura!""Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!"

If I weren't so tired it would have been hilarious!  Okay... it was still hilarious.

Anyway, as VBS week is my busiest week of the year (counting out the weeks when I'm out of town for things like camp, mission trip and General Assembly) and I survived it WITH weight loss success to boot!  Considering the fact that I ate pizza, cake, cookies and so forth this week, I count that as a HUGE success.  My "fitnesspal" app is really helping.  I was able to keep track of every calorie I ingested, even if it was Domino's pizza and cake.  That way I could make sure that, though I was eating junk food, I was still staying within my calorie limit for the day.  Super fun. 

So, now that I've survived a difficult diet week, I am now staring down the barrel of another difficult week.  I'm going to church camp.  Now, I have eaten a LOT of camp food over the years.  I've been going to camp since I was 8 and I know how bad camp food can be.  But I have to say that the food at this particular camp is the worst I have ever eaten.  Seriously, there is, at least, one fried food option at every meal - if not more - and I did not realize that you could actually over batter and over fry anything.  But these camp "chefs" have managed to do just that.  It really is unbelievable.  I'm tempted to call Guinness and let them know they should come check out these camp chicken fingers.  There is so much fried batter on them that it's debatable there's even any chicken in them at all.

I've talked to our camp director and have come up with a game plan to, you know, face this challenge head on.  I've decided to go to the grocery store near the camp grounds and buy all my own food for the week.  I've already made my shopping list because I have to be careful not to buy anything that has to be prepared and cooked in any way.  So, that means lots of sandwiches, Lean Cuisine dinners, low fat hot dogs, raw veggies, fresh fruit, and so on.  I will, I think, have access to a microwave while I'm there.  Regardless of what I consume, it will be WAY better and probably tastier than what I would be eating if I depended on the whims of the grease crazy lunch ladies from church camp hell.

There are two other things I've decided to do differently this year.  One is, I am going to take my bathing suit and actually swim in it instead of pretending that I forgot my suit and then just swim in my clothes.  I figure that if I'm putting myself out there on the Internet like this then I should probably just put myself out there with people who know me and love me too.  It stinks being fat and having to put on a bathing suit, but I think it's just one more step I can take to being realistic about who I am and what I look like today.  No more trying to ignore it and pretend the problem isn't there. 

The other thing I'm going to do differently this year is I will not make up an excuse not to hike to the cross.  It's an Alabama camping tradition that I have never done in the 4 years I've been here.  It's time and I'm looking forward to it.  I have no idea how difficult the hike is - heck, it might not be that big of a deal at all.  But I've built it up in my head as being something I can't do and I'm tired of being afraid.  So, I will huff and I'll puff and I'll drag my big butt up to that landmark and I'll finally be able to say that I've been to the cross!  But, I might go it alone so no one else has to see me turn all red in the face and stop every 3 steps to catch my breath ;-).

It's time for me to sign off for now.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers this next week and check in to see if I've posted.  I've been told that there are computers I can use after hours and I will do my best to sneak away from the festivities long enough to let you all know how I'm doing.

So, for now, I'm gonna make like a tree and leave!

Laura

There's an App for that!!!

I have a new toy that is making this weight loss thing just a little bit more fun.  You know how they say in the commercials, "There's an app for that?"  Well, they are NOT kidding!  I have a new app on my Droid called myfitnesspal and it helps me keep a log of everything I eat, all of the calories and nutrients I'm supposed to eat each day, and all of the exercise I do as well.  I told it what I weigh, how tall I am, how much I want to lose total, how much I want to lose each week, and how active I am on average through out the week.  Then it told me how many calories I should eat each day to reach my goal.  Each day, as I enter each thing that I consume, it subtracts those calories from my daily allotment.  SO cool!  And so easy!  It even has a bar code scanner so you don't actually have to type everything in by hand - you know, to save time.  On top of all that, it keeps track of all of my daily nutrition, so I know if I'm consuming too much fat, salt, carbs, etc each day.  So, even though I haven't had time to sit down and blog this week, I've at least been able to keep up with all my stats right there on my phone. 

This week is one of my busiest weeks in the year and, as you might have noticed, I've been a little bit AWOL from my blogging commitment.  That is because, all week I have been decorating and RE-decorating (because each day requires different decorations!), making copies, sending text messages, answering my phone and answering questions, running down to the basement to grab some supplies, then running UP to the 3rd floor to deposit the supplies, running out to buy something I'd forgotten, baking and decorating a cake (hence the butter cream icing yesterday!), and on and on and on.  By the time I get home everyday I'm so exhausted all I do is fall into my chair and watch TV for a couple of hours before I fall into my bed and pass out.  And I am having so much fun!  I can't believe I get paid to do this. 

In addition to the crazy hours, I'm also having trouble finding something healthy to eat when I finally realize that I'm hungry.  I haven't been home enough to eat there and I've been flat broke for like 3 days so I couldn't even go out to get something.  So, I've had to sort of graze on what was available at the church - basically, snack food.  THANKFULLY the woman in charge of the VBS snacks has been lovely enough to get things that are sort of, kind of, a little bit healthy and not all the way junk filled snacks.  She's had water bottles, baked chips, and fruity-chewing thingies made with - get this - REAL fruit!  Not the greatest sustenance for a shrinking woman, but it could be a whole lot worse.  Thank the good Lord in heaven, our treasurer wrote pay checks early so I can afford to eat healthy food for the rest of the week.  And VBS is over tomorrow!  As much as I love it, I am also kind of happy to say good bye to that wonderful week of wackiness.  Four days of this is quite enough for me. 

I am VERY excited about the festivities awaiting me this evening.  The Peachtree Christian Church C.A.S.T. is on Tour this week and tonight they are coming to MY church.  Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about, but for those of you who just had the word "Huh?" run across your brain, let me explain.  My home church - the one I grew up in - Peachtree Christian Church from Atlanta Ga. has a pretty awesome youth program.  Part of that program includes C.A.S.T. (Christian Acting Singing Troupe) and every year they do a play or musical and go on tour with it in the summer.  I grew up in C.A.S.T. and loved every minute of it - in fact, I credit my director (Nancy Oliver) with teaching me how to be a strong public speaker. It is because of her all the hard of hearing folks in my congregation never miss a word of any sermon I preach (hopefully, that's a good thing).  I can't wait to show off my old church group to my new church group and to see what kind of entertainment C.A.S.T. has planned for us tonight!

Well, it's getting late in the afternoon and I still have tons to do.  I thank you all for being patient with my inconsistent blogging this week, because it just couldn't be helped.  Hope you're all doing well and I will see you back here, hopefully, tomorrow! 

I'm off like a dirty shirt!

Laura

Why would ANYONE want a Bentley?!

Last night I watched this week's episode of The Bachelorette and I have to admit I feel a little bit sick to my stomach.  If you're not watching the show, let me catch you up.  There's this woman who's dating 25 men all at once and sending 1 or 2 home each week.  The idea is, she'll whittle them down to the last one and, hopefully, find "the one" and get married.  Admittedly, the whole Bachelor/Bachelorette phenomenon is a bit far fetched and voyeuristic but I can't help myself.  The idea of romance is just so enticing I can't help but watch.  Well, this season one of the bachelors was a charming, handsome, fun-loving sociopath named Bentley.  When he was in the presence of the bachelorette, he was essentially the ideal man - sensitive, self deprecating just enough to make him attractive, funny, and, of course, gorgeous.  To the camera he was the most disgusting pig of a human being anyone could ever imagine.  As he claimed that his only goal was to win the game, he talked about her in the most horrible ways - "she's not my type", "that kiss was terrible," "I wish she were Emily" (another of the girls from last season's The Bachelor), "She's kind of an ugly duckling," and on and on.  While he's saying all of this behind her back, he is deliberately making her fall totally in love with him.  She was not a human being, she was simply a fun little challenge for him to achieve.

You all may be wondering what an episode of The Bachelorette has to do with weight loss, so I'll tell you...   One of the issues I've been dealing with in my adult life is my basic anger at, and distrust of men.  On a day to day basis, my distrust doesn't make much sense because I am continuously surrounded by upstanding, faithful, loving, wonderful men who treat their wives so well.  But I have also spent my adult life watching men treat other female friends so badly that I must have kept all of my feelings about that stored deep in my mind.  And if I'm being completely honest, I have to also admit that part of my distrust comes from feelings of rejection I've felt from men in general throughout my life.  I think I've interpreted the rejection as being a physical rejection - I'm fat so men want nothing to do with me.  In contrast, the friends who have been treated the worst have actually been the most beautiful women I have ever known (inside AND out).  Somewhere in my brain an idea has developed that straight men are superficial to a fault and only want physically beautiful women, not because they are in love with the human being but because they see women as something of a trophy to win.  Once they get that trophy, all the romance is over.  It has been suggested to me that I keep myself overweight to keep men away and to keep my heart safe. 

So, when I watched that "reality" show yesterday it just illustrated so completely all of my rational AND irrational reasons for anger that I just HAD to talk about it here today.  I know that for every horrible man with horrible ways of treating women there are 5 wonderful men who treat the women in their lives like queens.  I know that I have become accustomed to subconsciously focusing on the negative and not on the positive, so I have made a point of avoiding books, movies, TV shows and so on that have male characters like Bentley.  This one just snuck up on me, I guess.  I just wish that men could be less visual when it comes to their attractions the way women can often be.  How many times do we see gorgeous women dating or married to not-so-good-looking men?  How often do we see gorgeous men dating or married to not-so-good-looking women?  Pretty much never. 

The danger of writing thoughts like this in such a public forum is people might think I'm pathetic or feeling sorry for myself.  But the reality is, these are not things I think about a lot.  It's more like a residue that's taking up space in my head and kind of influencing my decisions without me even realizing it.  I do think it is a very real possibility that all the pounds I've put on over the last decade are just little barriers I've piled up to keep me safe from some sort of subliminally perceived danger.  Now that I'm aware of it, however, I can slowly but surely start chipping away at those barriers and allow myself to reenter the world as the new and improved ME!

Until then, I am happy in my fantasies about all the Bentley's of the world contracting some kind of sexually transmitted disease that makes them as physically repulsive as their rotten hearts & forces them to live alone with their thoughts for the rest of their lives.  (Hmmm, that's not very charitable, is it?  I might have to work on that!)

See you back here on the flip side!

Laura

A successful failure?!

This week I'm getting ready for Vacation Bible School and I am up to my eyeballs in Noah's Ark!  It's been great having so much to do because it's forced me to run all over this church building all week long.  I've been up the stairs and down the stairs and then back up again!  I've been bending over and stretching up (to hang decorations on the wall) and I've been practicing deep breathing techniques (by blowing up balloons and inflatable animals!).  On top of that, I've been saving time by making a sandwich and eating lunch at the church.  I should do VBS every week and I'd for sure drop the pounds without having to think about it. 

I heard someone say the other day that weight loss is 100% in your head, and I have to agree.  When I saw the number on my scale go down today, I was at once thrilled and disconcerted.  Of course I'm thrilled, because what overweight person doesn't want to lose weight?  But my disconcerted-ness was a little confusing.  Why would losing weight bother me?  Am I a crazy person?  (Don't answer that!)  Do I need to go back to my therapist?  Well, the more I thought about it I realized that my mind does not know how to feel about successfully losing weight.  For the past 10 years all I have experienced is failure.  So now that I'm seeing some progress, I'm kind of in shock! 

When I say that all I've seen is failure, I am not exaggerating.  In the past 10 years I have joined Weight Watchers (3 times!), I have joined a gym (2 times!), I have hired a personal trainer and worked my TAIL off with him (well, not literally or this wouldn't be in my list of failures, would it?), I have done Atkins, I have tried to cut sugar completely out of my diet,  I went to a weight loss specialist in my Gynecologist's office, I took Phentermine, I got VERY close to having gastric bypass surgery (but changed my mind at the last minute) and so on.  Nothing worked.  I believe I am the only person on the face of the earth who's appetite was not affected in any way by Phentermine.  And when I say that I worked my tail off with my personal trainer, I mean he worked me to the point of almost blacking out 3-4 days a week for 2 months and I never lost a single pound or a single inch.  I can't tell you how demoralizing it is to see my trainer's face look so devastated.  The no sugar thing did not work for more than 3 days at a time and then I would totally binge out.  And I've been going to Weight Watchers for so long (I think the first time I went I was 12) that I think they should have my picture up in every office in the country!  So, after all of this, to see the numbers on the scale go down is, to say the least, something of a new experience.

I think that I need to watch out for my tendency to self sabotage.  Now that I'm experiencing some kind of success, my brain might attempt to shift me back to a place where it is comfortable - binging out on fattening, carb-filled junk-food crap.  I'm going to have to be hyper-vigilant about not reverting back to the status quo.  I'm making positive changes in my life and I do NOT want to revert back to my old ways.  Please keep me in your prayers and I will turn to God also for help on my weight loss journey. 

Thank you to all of you who shared some of your personal experiences and stories.  Your experiences are so moving and I feel honored that you shared them with me.  You all are my human strength and support (the rest of my support and strength is divine!) and I am so grateful for you.  I believe that the reason I'm seeing such success for the first time in a decade is because I'm not doing this alone.  Y'all are da bomb!

I hope you all have a great evening and I'll be back here again tomorrow.  So for now I'm out like the fat kid in dodge ball (oh wait, that was ME! Ha!)

Laura

A truly girly week

I'm learning that it is not so easy to post on my blog every day when I don't have a computer at home.  I promise that I am trying to figure out a way to save some $$ so I can buy a little computer of my own, but it's going to take some time.  I hope that all of you can be patient with me and my inconsistent postings and know that in my mind I'm writing all kinds of wonderful words of wisdom - they're just not always making it to the world wide web!  I'm sorry :(

I am also learning that this weight loss experiment is going to have it's awesome weeks, it's abysmal weeks and it's so-so-kind-of average weeks.  This last one fell somewhere between abysmal and so-so.  If you are reading this and you are a boy, please forgive me for what I'm about to say... but it is REALLY difficult to deal with cravings and so on when it is that time of the month!  On top of that I've got all this water retention and stuff that just makes me feel... Icky.  Looking back over the weekend, especially Sunday, I seem to see a lot of cookies going in my mouth.  As I remember it, I did not actually make the decision to eat the cookies, I'm not even sure the cookies were put in my mouth by my own hands!  I even seem to remember all of those vanilla Oreos with vanilla cream and chocolate cream filling just sort of appearing in my mouth and I just spontaneously began chewing them.  I am now dealing with "Day-After-Cookie-Guilt."  Sigh

The reality is, weight-loss is an every-day, week after week, month after month ongoing process.  The reason I said that last week fell somewhere between abysmal and so-so and wasn't a complete wash was because even though I ate all those cookies on Sunday, I am actually making some positive changes in my day-in-day-out food choices.  SOME of you health nuts out there might look at what I've been eating and wonder where the good choices have been, but you have to consider what I was eating before I started this gig.  More often than not I was habitually choosing to eat fast food hamburgers, pizza, Mexican Food, chips & dip, ice cream, and so forth.  Other than the fact that I usually chose fruit over fries at the drive-through, there wasn't much redeeming value in what I was feeding my body.  I was getting used to feeling sick to my stomach and for the first time in my life I was taking antacids on a fairly regular basis.  So when I see myself choosing yogurt over a bacon, egg & cheese biscuit, or choosing a turkey sandwich and apple sauce over an Arby's Big Beef & Cheddar with curly fries and a Jamoca shake, I feel pretty proud of myself.  I feel as if I'm making small but significant shifts in how I approach food and those shifts are going to lead to even more changes in my whole life style.

I'm curious to know how all of you feel about YOUR personal approaches to this body fuel we call food.  Do you eat only when you're hungry, are you a gourmet cook, are you a fast food junkie, what?  I'd love to know a little about your journey.  Maybe we can all gain a little insight from each other. 

Well folks, it's time to wrap this up so for now, I'm gonna make like a stocking and run!

Laura

One Deadly Sin with Coconut Please!

As I stood in the candy aisle of Rite Aid last night, trying to pick out a treat for the movie I'd be seeing, I realized that I had put myself in the exact place I SHOULD NEVER BE!  Just as an alcoholic should never voluntarily walk into a liquor store, I should never choose to surround myself with a thousand varieties of the one thing I would rob a bank to get (and no, I don't mean Bradley Cooper!).  My friends thought it would be a good idea to go to the drug store before the movie to load up on cheap movie candy.  I agreed because I knew I could get my hands on sugar free variations of the same candies I've always loved.  So we walk into the store, head for the aisle of doom and I go straight for the sugar free chocolates.  I picked out sugar free Mounds, sugar free chocolate covered toffee, and sugar free York Peppermint Patties. How awesome am I!?  But then I turned to see what my friends had chosen and there in front of me was row after row of temptation to commit my favorite deadly sin - Gluttony.  It would truly have been "death by chocolate!" 

I bit my lip, gripped my sugar free chocolates so hard I would only be able to identify them later by taste, and waited for my friends to decide what they would buy.  I waited.   And I waited.  And I waited some more.  They hemmed and hawed, picked up one choice and put it back down again.  They debated whether they would split something or whether they would choose their own candy.  They debated the merits of Dots verses the merits of Charleston Chews; and they expounded on the history and development of the modern-day chocolate bar and how it has affected the global economy as well as the entire movie industry.  It was excruciating!

The reality is, all of this probably only lasted a total of 3 minutes (and I may have exaggerated a bit as well) but due to the magnetic pull I was experiencing from the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, the Symphony Bars and the giant milk carton of Whoppers, that 3 minutes felt longer than a Thursday night college seminar class!  Finally, my friends made their choices and we all went merrily to the movies, treats in hand.

I wonder if that experience is what it's like for an alcoholic, new to recovery, who goes to eat in a restaurant.  It's easy for a non-addict to say, "He has to learn to be around alcohol without drinking it himself."  That may be true but it is definitely NOT easy!  So, once again, I find myself grateful for all of you out there who have taken an interest in this not-so-little journey of mine because you are the reason I was able to resist the candy - AGAIN.  As I made the decision (over and over again) not to pick-up the bags of sugary concoctions, I kept saying to myself, "remember the blog, remember the blog!"  Once again, it all comes down to accountability.  Eventually, I will be able to train my brain to be accountable to myself and to God, but for now, it is so important that I have other people who want to see me succeed.

Thanks again for rooting for my success!  And if you're one of those characters who's rooting for my failure because you think it's funny when people fall in public - all I have to say to you is, keep it to yourself!

I'm off to Zumba!

Laura

The House of the rising metabolism?

An appetite is a really strange thing!  Some people never have much of one all (don't you just HATE those skinny people who can sit in front of a barely touched plate of deliciousness and say, "I can't eat another bite, I'm so FULL!"); for some people, they are just one big appetite and nothing else; and for other people - like me - the appetite is something that waxes and wanes like a lunar calendar.  I'm the kind of person who usually has no interest in eating after I've had my dinner.  I eat dinner, I watch a little T.V., I putz around the house getting a few things done, then I take my medicine and go to bed to read until I fall asleep.  That's the week night routine. 

But last night was so weird!  I went out to eat and to a movie with a friend (we saw Thor - Thoroughly entertaining with great eye candy thrown in - calorie free!).  All was good.  I ate a Weight Watchers approved meal at Apple Bee's and I stuck with diet coke and a fat free candy at the theater; even stayed away from the calorie laden popcorn that is always so aromatically enticing!  But when I got home and should have gotten ready for bed, I stayed up instead.  I watched one T.V. show, I played with my constantly entertaining cats, I watched another T.V. show.  I kept looking at the clock and thinking, "I should probably go to bed now," but I just wasn't tired.  I was, however, hungry.  Actually hungry.  My stomach was empty and growling at 10:00 at night.  That NEVER happens to me!  So I tried some low fat string cheese.  Good, right?  Some dairy, a little protein, not a lot of fat.  Should fill me up just fine.  20 minutes later, my stomach was growling again (and it was not indigestion, I promise).  So I opted for cereal and fruit.  When my stomach started growling 30 minutes after that I threw in the towel and just went to bed!  This morning I woke up hungry again!

My first thought about all of this is that I must not be eating enough during the day for me to be so hungry late at night like that.  But I know I am.  I'm working hard at getting enough fiber and protein in my diet, and besides that, I'm full when I'm done with each meal.  So then I think, maybe in the last 10 days since I've started this whole thing my metabolism has suddenly gone from the speed of a slug on pot to the speed of a cheetah!  Or, maybe it was just a full moon last night.  Who knows?  At least I didn't eat chips, fries, a cheese burger, an ice cream sundae or anything else in the way of Fast Food/Drive Through fare. 

Hopefully this evening my moon will be in the house of plenty and my stomach will NOT be growling at 11:00 at night!  Please God, let me be full?

Off like a prom dress,

Laura

The Lone Extrovert

Well, I survived the long weekend with my weight loss in tact, and that is no small thing!  I've got to say that I'm pretty pumped up to see that little red line on the graph go down so much, and that makes me even more motivated to do well today.

You might be impressed to find out that I participated in a marathon yesterday.  It was amazingly long and at times I felt like I wanted to just quit and go throw up, but I  persevered and ALMOST finished the whole thing.  You might be impressed, but you shouldn't be.  I was a passive participant in a Criminal Minds marathon that got a little gross at times (hence, the nausea). 

I did not plan on taking part in the Memorial Day Criminal Minds Marathon, you know.  I actually woke up with all kinds of wonderful goals on my to-do list, they just never seemed to get done.  It's been documented that I am an off the charts extrovert who gets her energy and motivation from the people around her.  Consequently, living alone is not really the best situation for me.  I don't MIND living alone - in fact, I really like it - but I think I would be much better off if I had another human being around to keep me from falling into "The Recliner Zone" all the time.  Ever since I graduated from Seminary I have struggled with this and the older I get, it's gotten more challenging.  Being single at 37 is really no big deal (not like I thought it would be when I was in my 20's!) but it is difficult when all my friends are married with children and they have no ability to be spontaneous anymore.  Thus, all of my social engagements are scheduled and I have no one to call when I'm feeling the strong desire to just be around people.  I could pick up the phone to call someone to chit-chat, but that's not even an option most of the time because everyone's schedules are so busy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just stating the reality of my life.  I'm used to it and relatively at peace with it, but it's not necessarily what's best for me and my mental and physical health. 

I tried joining a gym, thinking that I could make friends with people there but it's amazing how NON-social the gym can be!  Everyone is plugged into their music or their little individual T.V.s and no one really looks anyone else in the eye.  It's weird to be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

Does anyone have an idea of how I can branch out and meet other single young adult people in Florence, AL?  Remember, I have nothing against married people.  I mean, hey!  Some of my best friends are married!  But like I said before, I am in need of other people who are able to be spontaneous like I am.  I really think it would go a long way towards moving me from a lethargic life style to an active one. 

I am ready and willing to receive the wisdom from all of my cyber-buddies.  Bring it on sage ones!

Word to your mother!
Laura

Welcome to Over-eaters Anonymous

Hi, my name is Laura ("Hi, Laura!") and I'm a food-a-holic.

Thank you to everyone who helped me through a rough day yesterday, you were all really great!  I was in a little bit of a slump and my family & friends kind of picked me up and carried me through it.  It is really amazing what a supportive community can do for your will power.  I think God must have invented churches for the same reason.  Not one person in any congregation in the world is in any way perfect, but when one person is struggling, the others come forward and share what they have learned from their own successes and failures.  The same is true for most of us - we are not perfectly healthy people and we all have our weaknesses, but when one person is having a hard time (this time, me) you all just came forward and shared your similar experiences and how you made it out to the other side.  It's really inspiring!

So far, today has been pretty great.  The weather is gorgeous, I've been running errands and checking things off my "To-Do" list, I got my car washed and supported a local cheerleading squad, and now I'm here.  The only fly in the ointment (great word, huh? Ointment) is one of my errands was going to the new Cupcake Co. on Tennessee Street to pick up cupcakes for a party we're having at church tomorrow.  Now I'm typing this post and they're down the hall in the refrigerator yelling, "Laaaaauuuura!  We're heeeeeeerrrrre!  Come and eeeeeeeaaaaaaattttt us!!!!"  Delicious little devils!  I know that some of you encourage me to have a little of what I'm craving so that I don't feel deprived, but the reality is, if I take one little bite of one of those heavenly little concoctions, I will have to take another bite and then another until it's all gone, and then I will want another one later today and then one at the party tomorrow too!  I KNOW I will have one at the party, so I must deprive myself today.  Tomorrow will be my reward for self deprivation.  But WHY did God give food the ability to speak to us?  Why couldn't it all just be mute, quiet, silent in the cupboards and fridges?  Just sit there and look yummy and we'll come to you when we're good and ready!  Just SHUT UP for crying out loud! 

My prayer for this process is that my ability to hear the voices in my food (no, I am not schizophrenic) will begin to wane after some time goes by.  Eventually it will not have the pull it has on me right now and I will be able to walk past a plate of beautifully decorated cupcakes and barely even notice them.  Prayerfully, I will have replaced my food addiction with an exorcise and play out-of-doors addiction, and I will be free of this frustrating tie I've got to the junk that goes in my stomach!

So for the time being, I'm gonna make like a tree and leave!

Laura

If I were in AA I'd call my sponsor

It's Friday once more and, again, my hardest day of the week health wise.  Not only that, we're about a week and a half into this experiment and the excitement I felt at the beginning is starting to wane.  Typical of my brain, after the first week or two it tends to get bored with the whole "life style change" thing and it wants to revert back to its original ways - chowing down on chips and dip and regular, full sugar, full fat ice cream and so on.  If I don't have those things on hand, I have been know to just eat anything I have in the house - and since the power went out on Wednesday night and all my food went bad, that ain't much!  Normally, I might just try to fill myself up with some big glasses of water, but today I can't even do that.  Due to the terrible storm that knocked out the power Wednesday night, we have also been told not to drink the tap water.  That leaves me with skim milk, V8 Juice and diet ginger ale.  All good things, but they all make me want to eat something else when I'm done.

I think that I basically need some words of encouragement from my friends out there.  What do you do when you have days like this?  How have you combated the feelings of apathy and cravings?  I'm seeking the sage advice and wisdom from all of you in Internet space.

Come on guys, help me over this hump!

Signing out,
Laura

Biggest Loser? Probably Not

I want to lose 15 lbs a week like they do on The Biggest Loser.  You might say to me, "Well, Laura, you should sign UP for The Biggest Loser."  Yes, yes, that makes the most sense, right?  I mean, then I would have Jillian Michaels right there yelling in my face for weeks on end; I would have personal chefs cooking for me and teaching me how to cook and eat healthy, I would have doctors on hand at all times to make sure I'm not having a heart attack or stroke; and so on...  Only problem is, should I go on that show, I would have to stand on the worlds largest scale wearing the exact outfit no overweight human being should ever wear in public OR in private - spandex pants and a sports bra.  You think posting your weight on a blog would be humiliating!  I absolutely refuse to stand on a platform in front of God and my future husband (whomever he may be) squeezed into two sausage casings, spilling out to the four corners of the world.  No thank you!

Instead I will have to be satisfied with losing 1-4 lbs a week in the privacy of my own home.  That's okay.  I can live with that.  Besides, this way I can keep my job AND I'll re-learn how to be healthy in my own environment. 

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty successful day, all in all, though I did not exercise.  But, in this case I do not apologize.  I was pretty sick.  Remember how I said in yesterday's post that my back hurt?  Turns out I have a kidney infection.  Holy MOLEY did that thing hurt!  Needless to say, I was doing pretty well just lying on the couch (I couldn't even go to bed because my $200 King sized mattress and box spring were so lumpy that it hurt me even more.).  Thankfully, the medicine seems to be working and the pain is subsiding.  On the other hand, I feel like I've been on a Benadryl drip for 24 hours because my power went out in the storm last night and I had to sleep without my CPAP machine (yes, I know - I live a very glamorous life!).  I WAS able to fall asleep without it, but while I was out I apparently held my breath for 5 out of the 6 hours I revelled in nocturnal slumber.  Sleepy is my middle name.

Oprah has taught me, however, that when life seems to be too hard, just count your blessings, so here are some of mine - I lost more weight, the storm did not take it upon itself to redesign my roof and give me an unwanted sky light, I made it to work today AND got a hot shower this morning, I had a delicious Weight Watchers meal at Sweet Basil Cafe today, and I'm going to see the movie The Bridesmaids with a bunch friends tonight. 

Thank you, Oprah, I feel so much better now!

A dark, dark day

Well folks, I said I would share with you my successes AND my failures, so here I am with my tail between my legs saying, "I'm sorry I peed on the carpet!"  Wait, that was my cat this morning.  I did not, in fact, pee on the carpet, but I did derail myself significantly yesterday.  I started off strong with my oatmeal for breakfast, but lunch is where I started to go wrong.  At first glance, what I ate was pretty awesome, but I did not actually eat enough.  I then compounded my mistake by not eating my snack like I had planned to, so by the time I got to dinner at our Young Adult Fellowship pot luck supper, I was so hungry I was tempted to eat the fleas off our host's dog.

Instead of eating the fleas, however, I ate 5 or 6 Mini Reese's Peanut butter Cups, one fun sized Krackle bar, about 8 Ritz Crackers with cheese, and THEN I ate dinner.  I ate a whole burger, not the half that I was planning on, fruit salad - which sounds healthy except that it was made with peach pie filling as a delicious, heavenly, mouth watering glaze - two servings of potato salad, about 10 Doritos Chips AND a brownie for dessert.  This, boys and girls, is what they call "Falling Off The Wagon."

It's kind of a miracle that I only gained one pound!  That must be because of the muscle I gained from my 9 minutes of Zumba the day before. 

To make things worse, I did not actually exercise yesterday.  I'm not sure what my excuse was for avoiding my 30 minutes of extreme fun with the Doublemint Triplets but it comes down to three possibilities: 1. My back was hurting and I didn't think that the hip gyrations and waist contortions would be especially good for me, 2. I didn't have time (which is a bold faced lie), or 3. I decided to be lazy and lie on my bed playing on my phone for the 45 minutes I'd designated for my full body make-over.  I'll leave it up to you to decide which one is mostly likely the correct option.

So, folks, that's all the news that's fit to print for the time being.  Yesterday is done and gone, today is a new day, and tomorrow is just a gleam in my gorgeous brown eye.  Every day is an opportunity to succeed and that's all I can do - take it one day at a time.  But I do have to make a confession - that burger sure was DEEEEEE-LICIOUS!

Zumba, torture designed by CIA interrogators

Last night when I got home from work I snuggled with the kitties, put my dinner in the crock pot, changed into my workout clothes, and put in the Introduction to Zumba DVD. Let me just say that I am REALLY happy about the fact that my first foray into the land of Latin inspired dance/exercise was taken alone. There I was, all 319 pounds of me, in a baggy t-shirt and cut-off sweat pants looking at three of the tiniest, hipless, flat bellied girls I've ever seen. But they were smiling, so I figured at least they were nice and I didn't have to hate them - yet. All of the dance moves are named something that I can't recall right now, but just know that they are Latin and exotic sounding.

As the girls began their lesson and as I began to follow, my first thought was, "Hey, I can do this!" They broke down the first move in a way that let me follow along at a nice little pace and I was very pleased with them AND with myself. It's no small thing that I can feel good about myself while staring at the Doublemint triplets who obviously live on a diet of laxatives and serum of ipecac and who have an unusual love of physical activity. But I did feel good! Then we went on to the second dance move. I'm pretty sure it was choreographed by Circ du Soleil and was not meant for any normal human being made of bone instead of cartilage. But then to the credit of the triplets, they broke this move down also so that I was just barely able to catch on.

All in all, I was having fun so far. But then something distressing happened. I started to realize that I was getting tired and was not going to be able to finish the INTRO-DUC-TION! I had burned maybe 20 calories and I was already spent. Good grief, how embarrassing! I'd been feeling pretty confident after having walked all over the Space and Rocket Center keeping up with all the tiny moms and their children, but now that self-esteem was squashed. The reality is, I made it through one half of the Zumba introduction before I had to go lie down and take a nap! I am SOOOOOOO glad that I had this experience alone. If I had been in a class, I would have felt compelled to keep going even when my body was begging me to stop and I would have pushed myself until I'd either thrown up on the dance floor or had passed out cold. So, all in all, this went WAY better than it could have gone!

Needless to say, I did not eat my dinner before 4:00, or even 5 or 6:00.  Between the exercising and the recovering, I wasn’t ready to eat until almost 7.  Oh well.  I did call this an experiment, right?  Tonight I will try it again and maybe I will make it through the whole Intro this time! God bless Zumba.

I'm out like trout,

Laura

Such Great Advice!

I'm back, FINALLY! Sorry I didn't check in yesterday, but Sunday is my big day of the week and it seems that taking a few minutes to say "hello" to all of you just wasn't going to happen. I'd love to post from home but, like I said, my Fascinate refuses to cooperate!

I am excited to update you on all the moments of success I had yesterday! First thing in the morning when I came into the church, one of the ladies following my blog called me over and gave me a tip. She said that she lost 40 some odd pounds by not eating after 4pm. She said that's the only thing she changed about her eating habits. So, I decided to add that piece of interesting advice to my bag of tricks. After talking with her, I managed to get through a whole wedding shower complete with delicious cake and heavy hors d'oeuvres with only one bite of cake and one sandwich! I did end up eating my big dinner at 3:00 and then at youth group I sat there and watch the kids chow down on left over cake and potato chips - yep, that's right folks, not ONE bite! I'm a rock star!!! And finally, as my grand finale, one of my youth invited me to go to a Mexican Restaurant with her and her grandmother after youth group. So I went, I drank my water with lime and I, once again, watched her chow down on chips, salsa and cheese dip without taking even one little heavenly taste. I'm not just a rock star, I'm a SUPER HERO!

Now, the trick is to do it all again today. ;-D

As I reflect on all of the amazing advice and tips people have been sending me, I am amazed at how much information about weight loss is out there. I am also equally interested in how much of the information contradicts all of the other info. In the same way that I don't believe all democrats are evil and all republicans are idiots, I don't believe the tips I've gotten are all a bunch of malarkey. The fact is, the reason someone passed on the tip is because it worked for them! So, I figure that the trick to weight loss is finding the right combination of tricks, tips, advice, and information that works for you, your personality, your body, and your lifestyle. No small task, fer sher!

So, let me lay out my weight loss process, as it stands today (because I guarantee it'll evolve throughout this year). I will do my best to eat at home the majority of the meals each week - which may not seem like such a big deal to you, but I assure you, it is to me! I will cut down on my caloric intake each day. I will not deprive myself of something I really want - I will just have a taste or two instead of the whole enchilada! Mmmmm, an enchilada sounds pretty good right now... Anyway... I will not eat after 4:00 if I can help it - my schedule can be unpredictable so I kind of have to go with the flow sometimes. And, I have decided to take the advice of the medical health guru, Dr. Oz, and start taking African Mango supplements. I figure that if Oprah trusts the man, he MUST be legit, right? In addition to all of this, I will begin my Zumba exercises tonight! Do you hear me people? I said I would start them tonight! I will NOT come home from work and sit down in my recliner for another TV marathon! Instead I will dance my heart out to the energizing beat of my ZUMBA Total Body Workout DVDs. Tomorrow I will update you all on how that turns out.

In the meantime, keep me in your prayers, keep the awesome and diverse advice coming and I will be back again tomorrow!

Peace in the Home Land,

Laura

Success?

It's official, I'm famous.  In all reality, that was the true goal of this whole Blog experiment - the weight loss goal was just a ruse!  Yesterday at the grocery store (see, I really did go!)  I ran into a woman from my book club who recognized me but I did not recognize her.  Right there in the Produce section she says, "I've been reading your blog!"  I knew the fans would seek me out eventually, I just didn't expect it to happen so fast.  (I was also VERY relieved that she caught me with a basket full of healthy food only!).

Today I took the children from my church to the Huntsville Space and Rocket Center and we really did have a good time.  We walked a LOT and saw tons of cool stuff and played on even cooler stuff and the kids were constantly eating delicious looking treats that I should not have.  At lunch I was really good (I was surprised that there were actually healthy options at the Food Court!) but I narrowly missed a terrible crash landing!  The children were all happily eating their pizza and hamburgers and fries, burning every fat and carb filled calorie before it hit the back of their throats, I'm sure.  And I asked one of the girls if I could have one of her fries (I promise, it was just ONE!).  As soon as I ate that one, someone else offered to give me all of hers because she was, and I quote, "too full to finish them!"  Have you ever heard anything so absurd?  I was tempted for sure, but then I thought of having to tell all of you about eating those little fried calorie sticks and I reluctantly turned them down. 

So, you see, this is proof that this blog experiment is a success, so far! 

Everyone has told me how brave I am for putting myself out there and, I guess I am.  But the way I'm really thinking about it is like this, people can see me.  It's obvious that I'm over weight.  It's not like I'm a functioning alcoholic or drug user who is successfully hiding my shame.  Oh no, this is right out there for everyone to see every day of my life.  So, stating it on a blog like this has not been hard at all, not like I thought it would be.  The other thing is, I live alone.  75% of everything I put in my mouth goes in without a single witness.  No one sees what I eat; no one sees me sitting in my leather recliner for 5 hours straight; and no one is holding me accountable - least of all me!  I think God gave me this idea because never once in the whole history of blogging have I ever read a blog, wanted to write a blog, or even knew what a blog was.  But one day earlier this week it came to me and within 24 hours I was accountable to all of you.  I'm gratefull for this opportunity to get healthy.  I'm grateful that any of you takes the time to read my silly words and I'm grateful for every word of advice and encouragement.  Thank you God for all of it!

Day Off

Okay, so it's Friday, my day off, and this is the day of the week when I am the most undisciplined.  Also, the excitement of the first two days of "The Blog Experiment" is wearing off and my brain is saying, "oh wait, you mean you were serious when you said no junk food?!"

So, how to spend the day without eating everything that's not nailed down?  Well, I need to clean the house, so for motivation I'll put the "Hoarders, Buried Alive" marathon on the T.V.  That's a great way to keep me going.  Only trouble is, I have to be careful not to throw away things I really do need!

The other thing I'll do is go the grocery store.  I often keep my refrigerator in the condition of a 25 year old bachelor: Ketchup, mustard, a 3 year old jar of jelly and something not even a forensic scientist could identify.  I guess if I have edible, healthy food in the house I won't be as tempted to go to McDonald's for dinner.

That and a few appointments I have to keep should fill the day pretty well and keep me out of trouble.  Thanks for all the support and advice, it really is helpful.  Now I will go drink a large glass of non-carbonated, room temperature water to fill myself up!

Half-way through day two...

So, it's 2:30 on day 2 and I have already had to talk myself off a dessert ledge 3 times!  Those cakes in the dessert window at Sweet Basil Cafe!  The siren song of the yogurt store two blocks down the street!  The candy in the check out aisle at Hobby Lobby!  Good Lord, it's everywhere!  God give me the strength to resist?  I got up pretty early today (alarm went off at the twice evil hour of 4:30am), maybe that's my problem.  Fatigue has weakend my power over my own will.  Perhaps if I go home to take a quick nap before my meeting tonight, when I wake up I won't desire a whole medium pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese!  But, those of you reading this are probably all going to write in and say, "NO Laura!  You must go for a walk instead!  THAT will curb your cravings!"  Well, I have a few choice words for all of you! @$*&###%!!!?

Why me, God?

Have you ever wondered “Why me, God?”  I have.  I’ve wondered why I have to be one of the people in the world who has to struggle SO hard to lose weight when I’m surrounded by people who have no trouble stopping when they’re full or who actually CRAVE carrot sticks and raw celery (personally, I think they’re lying and secretly hate those stringy green stalks as much as I do).  I’ve wanted God to either tell me why I have to go through this or just make it go away.  Some might say that since I’m perfect in every other way, I have to have one thing that keeps me humble, but I’m not so sure…
Well, yesterday I met someone who could have asked, who should have asked, “Why me, God?”  but didn’t.  I went to Phil Campbell to drop off a mailbox our church purchased for a family that lost their house in the tornado.  I expected to see damage but I did not expect to find the aftermath of a nuclear explosion.  The only thing missing from this scene was the mushroom cloud on the horizon (see pictures below).

This young woman and her husband lost their trailer, all of their belongings, most of their pets and acres of timber ready for harvest.  The woman had actually been sucked out of her trailer into the tornado where she pretty much looked into the eyes of one seriously confused cow before she was dropped 52 feet straight down to the ground.  She was then picked up again and thrown 25 feet right at the threshold of their storm shelter.

As I stood in the midst of their loss and gazed at unimaginable devastation, as I listened to this woman tell her story, I thought about myself and my own question, “Why me, God?” and I realized that my struggle is more of a blessing than a curse.  As I continue to face myself in the mirror and become more and more honest with myself, God and all of you, I’m simply becoming a stronger and better person.  I haven’t lost anything (except pounds I hope!). I have no cause for grief or pain or anguish (except when I’m facing down a particularly delicious piece of chocolate cake).  I have nothing to rebuild but my own sense of self-worth.

So, today, instead of saying, “Why me, God?”  my prayer will be, “Thank you, God!”

Day 1, May 18, 2011

This whole blogging process is an experiment for me and for my life. One of the reasons I am so over weight is I am extremely undisciplined. The only disciplined thing about me is I never stick with anything long enough to see results. So, for me, the hardest thing about this blog is actually sticking with it for a whole year. If you're reading this, I thank you for taking a second to check out my little life - this speck in the universe that seems so big to me, but in perspective is so very insignificant.

I am a size 26/28, the largest size that Lane Bryant sells. I weigh, I think, 320 lb's, and I don't fit into most of my world. Chairs are often too small, planes are a source of great anxiety, and dating is completely out of reach right now. This is the largest I have ever been.

Part of my disorder is I have the opposite self-image of an anorexic. When I look in the mirror, I see myself as MUCH thinner than I really am. It’s helpful in that I have a lot of self-confidence, especially for an overweight girl in the U.S.  But, it's a problem because it's difficult to stay motivated when you don't really know HOW much you need the exercise and the healthy food and all that. I've tried posting awful pictures of myself around the house and on the fridge, but I am also really great at not seeing things I don't really want to see. The word of the day, boys and girls, is DENIAL!

This is my first step, admitting I have a problem.  Any idea where I go from here?