The Lone Extrovert

Well, I survived the long weekend with my weight loss in tact, and that is no small thing!  I've got to say that I'm pretty pumped up to see that little red line on the graph go down so much, and that makes me even more motivated to do well today.

You might be impressed to find out that I participated in a marathon yesterday.  It was amazingly long and at times I felt like I wanted to just quit and go throw up, but I  persevered and ALMOST finished the whole thing.  You might be impressed, but you shouldn't be.  I was a passive participant in a Criminal Minds marathon that got a little gross at times (hence, the nausea). 

I did not plan on taking part in the Memorial Day Criminal Minds Marathon, you know.  I actually woke up with all kinds of wonderful goals on my to-do list, they just never seemed to get done.  It's been documented that I am an off the charts extrovert who gets her energy and motivation from the people around her.  Consequently, living alone is not really the best situation for me.  I don't MIND living alone - in fact, I really like it - but I think I would be much better off if I had another human being around to keep me from falling into "The Recliner Zone" all the time.  Ever since I graduated from Seminary I have struggled with this and the older I get, it's gotten more challenging.  Being single at 37 is really no big deal (not like I thought it would be when I was in my 20's!) but it is difficult when all my friends are married with children and they have no ability to be spontaneous anymore.  Thus, all of my social engagements are scheduled and I have no one to call when I'm feeling the strong desire to just be around people.  I could pick up the phone to call someone to chit-chat, but that's not even an option most of the time because everyone's schedules are so busy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just stating the reality of my life.  I'm used to it and relatively at peace with it, but it's not necessarily what's best for me and my mental and physical health. 

I tried joining a gym, thinking that I could make friends with people there but it's amazing how NON-social the gym can be!  Everyone is plugged into their music or their little individual T.V.s and no one really looks anyone else in the eye.  It's weird to be surrounded by people and still feel alone.

Does anyone have an idea of how I can branch out and meet other single young adult people in Florence, AL?  Remember, I have nothing against married people.  I mean, hey!  Some of my best friends are married!  But like I said before, I am in need of other people who are able to be spontaneous like I am.  I really think it would go a long way towards moving me from a lethargic life style to an active one. 

I am ready and willing to receive the wisdom from all of my cyber-buddies.  Bring it on sage ones!

Word to your mother!
Laura

Welcome to Over-eaters Anonymous

Hi, my name is Laura ("Hi, Laura!") and I'm a food-a-holic.

Thank you to everyone who helped me through a rough day yesterday, you were all really great!  I was in a little bit of a slump and my family & friends kind of picked me up and carried me through it.  It is really amazing what a supportive community can do for your will power.  I think God must have invented churches for the same reason.  Not one person in any congregation in the world is in any way perfect, but when one person is struggling, the others come forward and share what they have learned from their own successes and failures.  The same is true for most of us - we are not perfectly healthy people and we all have our weaknesses, but when one person is having a hard time (this time, me) you all just came forward and shared your similar experiences and how you made it out to the other side.  It's really inspiring!

So far, today has been pretty great.  The weather is gorgeous, I've been running errands and checking things off my "To-Do" list, I got my car washed and supported a local cheerleading squad, and now I'm here.  The only fly in the ointment (great word, huh? Ointment) is one of my errands was going to the new Cupcake Co. on Tennessee Street to pick up cupcakes for a party we're having at church tomorrow.  Now I'm typing this post and they're down the hall in the refrigerator yelling, "Laaaaauuuura!  We're heeeeeeerrrrre!  Come and eeeeeeeaaaaaaattttt us!!!!"  Delicious little devils!  I know that some of you encourage me to have a little of what I'm craving so that I don't feel deprived, but the reality is, if I take one little bite of one of those heavenly little concoctions, I will have to take another bite and then another until it's all gone, and then I will want another one later today and then one at the party tomorrow too!  I KNOW I will have one at the party, so I must deprive myself today.  Tomorrow will be my reward for self deprivation.  But WHY did God give food the ability to speak to us?  Why couldn't it all just be mute, quiet, silent in the cupboards and fridges?  Just sit there and look yummy and we'll come to you when we're good and ready!  Just SHUT UP for crying out loud! 

My prayer for this process is that my ability to hear the voices in my food (no, I am not schizophrenic) will begin to wane after some time goes by.  Eventually it will not have the pull it has on me right now and I will be able to walk past a plate of beautifully decorated cupcakes and barely even notice them.  Prayerfully, I will have replaced my food addiction with an exorcise and play out-of-doors addiction, and I will be free of this frustrating tie I've got to the junk that goes in my stomach!

So for the time being, I'm gonna make like a tree and leave!

Laura

If I were in AA I'd call my sponsor

It's Friday once more and, again, my hardest day of the week health wise.  Not only that, we're about a week and a half into this experiment and the excitement I felt at the beginning is starting to wane.  Typical of my brain, after the first week or two it tends to get bored with the whole "life style change" thing and it wants to revert back to its original ways - chowing down on chips and dip and regular, full sugar, full fat ice cream and so on.  If I don't have those things on hand, I have been know to just eat anything I have in the house - and since the power went out on Wednesday night and all my food went bad, that ain't much!  Normally, I might just try to fill myself up with some big glasses of water, but today I can't even do that.  Due to the terrible storm that knocked out the power Wednesday night, we have also been told not to drink the tap water.  That leaves me with skim milk, V8 Juice and diet ginger ale.  All good things, but they all make me want to eat something else when I'm done.

I think that I basically need some words of encouragement from my friends out there.  What do you do when you have days like this?  How have you combated the feelings of apathy and cravings?  I'm seeking the sage advice and wisdom from all of you in Internet space.

Come on guys, help me over this hump!

Signing out,
Laura

Biggest Loser? Probably Not

I want to lose 15 lbs a week like they do on The Biggest Loser.  You might say to me, "Well, Laura, you should sign UP for The Biggest Loser."  Yes, yes, that makes the most sense, right?  I mean, then I would have Jillian Michaels right there yelling in my face for weeks on end; I would have personal chefs cooking for me and teaching me how to cook and eat healthy, I would have doctors on hand at all times to make sure I'm not having a heart attack or stroke; and so on...  Only problem is, should I go on that show, I would have to stand on the worlds largest scale wearing the exact outfit no overweight human being should ever wear in public OR in private - spandex pants and a sports bra.  You think posting your weight on a blog would be humiliating!  I absolutely refuse to stand on a platform in front of God and my future husband (whomever he may be) squeezed into two sausage casings, spilling out to the four corners of the world.  No thank you!

Instead I will have to be satisfied with losing 1-4 lbs a week in the privacy of my own home.  That's okay.  I can live with that.  Besides, this way I can keep my job AND I'll re-learn how to be healthy in my own environment. 

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty successful day, all in all, though I did not exercise.  But, in this case I do not apologize.  I was pretty sick.  Remember how I said in yesterday's post that my back hurt?  Turns out I have a kidney infection.  Holy MOLEY did that thing hurt!  Needless to say, I was doing pretty well just lying on the couch (I couldn't even go to bed because my $200 King sized mattress and box spring were so lumpy that it hurt me even more.).  Thankfully, the medicine seems to be working and the pain is subsiding.  On the other hand, I feel like I've been on a Benadryl drip for 24 hours because my power went out in the storm last night and I had to sleep without my CPAP machine (yes, I know - I live a very glamorous life!).  I WAS able to fall asleep without it, but while I was out I apparently held my breath for 5 out of the 6 hours I revelled in nocturnal slumber.  Sleepy is my middle name.

Oprah has taught me, however, that when life seems to be too hard, just count your blessings, so here are some of mine - I lost more weight, the storm did not take it upon itself to redesign my roof and give me an unwanted sky light, I made it to work today AND got a hot shower this morning, I had a delicious Weight Watchers meal at Sweet Basil Cafe today, and I'm going to see the movie The Bridesmaids with a bunch friends tonight. 

Thank you, Oprah, I feel so much better now!

A dark, dark day

Well folks, I said I would share with you my successes AND my failures, so here I am with my tail between my legs saying, "I'm sorry I peed on the carpet!"  Wait, that was my cat this morning.  I did not, in fact, pee on the carpet, but I did derail myself significantly yesterday.  I started off strong with my oatmeal for breakfast, but lunch is where I started to go wrong.  At first glance, what I ate was pretty awesome, but I did not actually eat enough.  I then compounded my mistake by not eating my snack like I had planned to, so by the time I got to dinner at our Young Adult Fellowship pot luck supper, I was so hungry I was tempted to eat the fleas off our host's dog.

Instead of eating the fleas, however, I ate 5 or 6 Mini Reese's Peanut butter Cups, one fun sized Krackle bar, about 8 Ritz Crackers with cheese, and THEN I ate dinner.  I ate a whole burger, not the half that I was planning on, fruit salad - which sounds healthy except that it was made with peach pie filling as a delicious, heavenly, mouth watering glaze - two servings of potato salad, about 10 Doritos Chips AND a brownie for dessert.  This, boys and girls, is what they call "Falling Off The Wagon."

It's kind of a miracle that I only gained one pound!  That must be because of the muscle I gained from my 9 minutes of Zumba the day before. 

To make things worse, I did not actually exercise yesterday.  I'm not sure what my excuse was for avoiding my 30 minutes of extreme fun with the Doublemint Triplets but it comes down to three possibilities: 1. My back was hurting and I didn't think that the hip gyrations and waist contortions would be especially good for me, 2. I didn't have time (which is a bold faced lie), or 3. I decided to be lazy and lie on my bed playing on my phone for the 45 minutes I'd designated for my full body make-over.  I'll leave it up to you to decide which one is mostly likely the correct option.

So, folks, that's all the news that's fit to print for the time being.  Yesterday is done and gone, today is a new day, and tomorrow is just a gleam in my gorgeous brown eye.  Every day is an opportunity to succeed and that's all I can do - take it one day at a time.  But I do have to make a confession - that burger sure was DEEEEEE-LICIOUS!

Zumba, torture designed by CIA interrogators

Last night when I got home from work I snuggled with the kitties, put my dinner in the crock pot, changed into my workout clothes, and put in the Introduction to Zumba DVD. Let me just say that I am REALLY happy about the fact that my first foray into the land of Latin inspired dance/exercise was taken alone. There I was, all 319 pounds of me, in a baggy t-shirt and cut-off sweat pants looking at three of the tiniest, hipless, flat bellied girls I've ever seen. But they were smiling, so I figured at least they were nice and I didn't have to hate them - yet. All of the dance moves are named something that I can't recall right now, but just know that they are Latin and exotic sounding.

As the girls began their lesson and as I began to follow, my first thought was, "Hey, I can do this!" They broke down the first move in a way that let me follow along at a nice little pace and I was very pleased with them AND with myself. It's no small thing that I can feel good about myself while staring at the Doublemint triplets who obviously live on a diet of laxatives and serum of ipecac and who have an unusual love of physical activity. But I did feel good! Then we went on to the second dance move. I'm pretty sure it was choreographed by Circ du Soleil and was not meant for any normal human being made of bone instead of cartilage. But then to the credit of the triplets, they broke this move down also so that I was just barely able to catch on.

All in all, I was having fun so far. But then something distressing happened. I started to realize that I was getting tired and was not going to be able to finish the INTRO-DUC-TION! I had burned maybe 20 calories and I was already spent. Good grief, how embarrassing! I'd been feeling pretty confident after having walked all over the Space and Rocket Center keeping up with all the tiny moms and their children, but now that self-esteem was squashed. The reality is, I made it through one half of the Zumba introduction before I had to go lie down and take a nap! I am SOOOOOOO glad that I had this experience alone. If I had been in a class, I would have felt compelled to keep going even when my body was begging me to stop and I would have pushed myself until I'd either thrown up on the dance floor or had passed out cold. So, all in all, this went WAY better than it could have gone!

Needless to say, I did not eat my dinner before 4:00, or even 5 or 6:00.  Between the exercising and the recovering, I wasn’t ready to eat until almost 7.  Oh well.  I did call this an experiment, right?  Tonight I will try it again and maybe I will make it through the whole Intro this time! God bless Zumba.

I'm out like trout,

Laura

Such Great Advice!

I'm back, FINALLY! Sorry I didn't check in yesterday, but Sunday is my big day of the week and it seems that taking a few minutes to say "hello" to all of you just wasn't going to happen. I'd love to post from home but, like I said, my Fascinate refuses to cooperate!

I am excited to update you on all the moments of success I had yesterday! First thing in the morning when I came into the church, one of the ladies following my blog called me over and gave me a tip. She said that she lost 40 some odd pounds by not eating after 4pm. She said that's the only thing she changed about her eating habits. So, I decided to add that piece of interesting advice to my bag of tricks. After talking with her, I managed to get through a whole wedding shower complete with delicious cake and heavy hors d'oeuvres with only one bite of cake and one sandwich! I did end up eating my big dinner at 3:00 and then at youth group I sat there and watch the kids chow down on left over cake and potato chips - yep, that's right folks, not ONE bite! I'm a rock star!!! And finally, as my grand finale, one of my youth invited me to go to a Mexican Restaurant with her and her grandmother after youth group. So I went, I drank my water with lime and I, once again, watched her chow down on chips, salsa and cheese dip without taking even one little heavenly taste. I'm not just a rock star, I'm a SUPER HERO!

Now, the trick is to do it all again today. ;-D

As I reflect on all of the amazing advice and tips people have been sending me, I am amazed at how much information about weight loss is out there. I am also equally interested in how much of the information contradicts all of the other info. In the same way that I don't believe all democrats are evil and all republicans are idiots, I don't believe the tips I've gotten are all a bunch of malarkey. The fact is, the reason someone passed on the tip is because it worked for them! So, I figure that the trick to weight loss is finding the right combination of tricks, tips, advice, and information that works for you, your personality, your body, and your lifestyle. No small task, fer sher!

So, let me lay out my weight loss process, as it stands today (because I guarantee it'll evolve throughout this year). I will do my best to eat at home the majority of the meals each week - which may not seem like such a big deal to you, but I assure you, it is to me! I will cut down on my caloric intake each day. I will not deprive myself of something I really want - I will just have a taste or two instead of the whole enchilada! Mmmmm, an enchilada sounds pretty good right now... Anyway... I will not eat after 4:00 if I can help it - my schedule can be unpredictable so I kind of have to go with the flow sometimes. And, I have decided to take the advice of the medical health guru, Dr. Oz, and start taking African Mango supplements. I figure that if Oprah trusts the man, he MUST be legit, right? In addition to all of this, I will begin my Zumba exercises tonight! Do you hear me people? I said I would start them tonight! I will NOT come home from work and sit down in my recliner for another TV marathon! Instead I will dance my heart out to the energizing beat of my ZUMBA Total Body Workout DVDs. Tomorrow I will update you all on how that turns out.

In the meantime, keep me in your prayers, keep the awesome and diverse advice coming and I will be back again tomorrow!

Peace in the Home Land,

Laura

Success?

It's official, I'm famous.  In all reality, that was the true goal of this whole Blog experiment - the weight loss goal was just a ruse!  Yesterday at the grocery store (see, I really did go!)  I ran into a woman from my book club who recognized me but I did not recognize her.  Right there in the Produce section she says, "I've been reading your blog!"  I knew the fans would seek me out eventually, I just didn't expect it to happen so fast.  (I was also VERY relieved that she caught me with a basket full of healthy food only!).

Today I took the children from my church to the Huntsville Space and Rocket Center and we really did have a good time.  We walked a LOT and saw tons of cool stuff and played on even cooler stuff and the kids were constantly eating delicious looking treats that I should not have.  At lunch I was really good (I was surprised that there were actually healthy options at the Food Court!) but I narrowly missed a terrible crash landing!  The children were all happily eating their pizza and hamburgers and fries, burning every fat and carb filled calorie before it hit the back of their throats, I'm sure.  And I asked one of the girls if I could have one of her fries (I promise, it was just ONE!).  As soon as I ate that one, someone else offered to give me all of hers because she was, and I quote, "too full to finish them!"  Have you ever heard anything so absurd?  I was tempted for sure, but then I thought of having to tell all of you about eating those little fried calorie sticks and I reluctantly turned them down. 

So, you see, this is proof that this blog experiment is a success, so far! 

Everyone has told me how brave I am for putting myself out there and, I guess I am.  But the way I'm really thinking about it is like this, people can see me.  It's obvious that I'm over weight.  It's not like I'm a functioning alcoholic or drug user who is successfully hiding my shame.  Oh no, this is right out there for everyone to see every day of my life.  So, stating it on a blog like this has not been hard at all, not like I thought it would be.  The other thing is, I live alone.  75% of everything I put in my mouth goes in without a single witness.  No one sees what I eat; no one sees me sitting in my leather recliner for 5 hours straight; and no one is holding me accountable - least of all me!  I think God gave me this idea because never once in the whole history of blogging have I ever read a blog, wanted to write a blog, or even knew what a blog was.  But one day earlier this week it came to me and within 24 hours I was accountable to all of you.  I'm gratefull for this opportunity to get healthy.  I'm grateful that any of you takes the time to read my silly words and I'm grateful for every word of advice and encouragement.  Thank you God for all of it!

Day Off

Okay, so it's Friday, my day off, and this is the day of the week when I am the most undisciplined.  Also, the excitement of the first two days of "The Blog Experiment" is wearing off and my brain is saying, "oh wait, you mean you were serious when you said no junk food?!"

So, how to spend the day without eating everything that's not nailed down?  Well, I need to clean the house, so for motivation I'll put the "Hoarders, Buried Alive" marathon on the T.V.  That's a great way to keep me going.  Only trouble is, I have to be careful not to throw away things I really do need!

The other thing I'll do is go the grocery store.  I often keep my refrigerator in the condition of a 25 year old bachelor: Ketchup, mustard, a 3 year old jar of jelly and something not even a forensic scientist could identify.  I guess if I have edible, healthy food in the house I won't be as tempted to go to McDonald's for dinner.

That and a few appointments I have to keep should fill the day pretty well and keep me out of trouble.  Thanks for all the support and advice, it really is helpful.  Now I will go drink a large glass of non-carbonated, room temperature water to fill myself up!

Half-way through day two...

So, it's 2:30 on day 2 and I have already had to talk myself off a dessert ledge 3 times!  Those cakes in the dessert window at Sweet Basil Cafe!  The siren song of the yogurt store two blocks down the street!  The candy in the check out aisle at Hobby Lobby!  Good Lord, it's everywhere!  God give me the strength to resist?  I got up pretty early today (alarm went off at the twice evil hour of 4:30am), maybe that's my problem.  Fatigue has weakend my power over my own will.  Perhaps if I go home to take a quick nap before my meeting tonight, when I wake up I won't desire a whole medium pizza with pepperoni and extra cheese!  But, those of you reading this are probably all going to write in and say, "NO Laura!  You must go for a walk instead!  THAT will curb your cravings!"  Well, I have a few choice words for all of you! @$*&###%!!!?

Why me, God?

Have you ever wondered “Why me, God?”  I have.  I’ve wondered why I have to be one of the people in the world who has to struggle SO hard to lose weight when I’m surrounded by people who have no trouble stopping when they’re full or who actually CRAVE carrot sticks and raw celery (personally, I think they’re lying and secretly hate those stringy green stalks as much as I do).  I’ve wanted God to either tell me why I have to go through this or just make it go away.  Some might say that since I’m perfect in every other way, I have to have one thing that keeps me humble, but I’m not so sure…
Well, yesterday I met someone who could have asked, who should have asked, “Why me, God?”  but didn’t.  I went to Phil Campbell to drop off a mailbox our church purchased for a family that lost their house in the tornado.  I expected to see damage but I did not expect to find the aftermath of a nuclear explosion.  The only thing missing from this scene was the mushroom cloud on the horizon (see pictures below).

This young woman and her husband lost their trailer, all of their belongings, most of their pets and acres of timber ready for harvest.  The woman had actually been sucked out of her trailer into the tornado where she pretty much looked into the eyes of one seriously confused cow before she was dropped 52 feet straight down to the ground.  She was then picked up again and thrown 25 feet right at the threshold of their storm shelter.

As I stood in the midst of their loss and gazed at unimaginable devastation, as I listened to this woman tell her story, I thought about myself and my own question, “Why me, God?” and I realized that my struggle is more of a blessing than a curse.  As I continue to face myself in the mirror and become more and more honest with myself, God and all of you, I’m simply becoming a stronger and better person.  I haven’t lost anything (except pounds I hope!). I have no cause for grief or pain or anguish (except when I’m facing down a particularly delicious piece of chocolate cake).  I have nothing to rebuild but my own sense of self-worth.

So, today, instead of saying, “Why me, God?”  my prayer will be, “Thank you, God!”

Day 1, May 18, 2011

This whole blogging process is an experiment for me and for my life. One of the reasons I am so over weight is I am extremely undisciplined. The only disciplined thing about me is I never stick with anything long enough to see results. So, for me, the hardest thing about this blog is actually sticking with it for a whole year. If you're reading this, I thank you for taking a second to check out my little life - this speck in the universe that seems so big to me, but in perspective is so very insignificant.

I am a size 26/28, the largest size that Lane Bryant sells. I weigh, I think, 320 lb's, and I don't fit into most of my world. Chairs are often too small, planes are a source of great anxiety, and dating is completely out of reach right now. This is the largest I have ever been.

Part of my disorder is I have the opposite self-image of an anorexic. When I look in the mirror, I see myself as MUCH thinner than I really am. It’s helpful in that I have a lot of self-confidence, especially for an overweight girl in the U.S.  But, it's a problem because it's difficult to stay motivated when you don't really know HOW much you need the exercise and the healthy food and all that. I've tried posting awful pictures of myself around the house and on the fridge, but I am also really great at not seeing things I don't really want to see. The word of the day, boys and girls, is DENIAL!

This is my first step, admitting I have a problem.  Any idea where I go from here?