Life is such a roller coster of highs and lows, good and bad success and failure and so forth. But the thing that comes in between the black and white of all that good and bad is the so-so-ness of gray. Right now, in regards to my weight loss experiment I am wading in the stagnant waters of grayness. I'm completely unmotivated yet I have NOT given up. I'm just sort of waiting for something to click in me that gets me back on track.
I said yesterday that I was dreading my weigh-in because I was so undisciplined while in Atlanta with my family. Miracle upon miracles, as of this morning my weight had not changed a single ounce. I'm still at 313.1. That's a HUGE relief because the way I ate those 3 days should have caused me to put on 5 pounds, at least!
Today I slept almost the whole day because I'm trying to beat this cold before I head out to General Assembly this weekend. And being sick does not lend itself to healthy eating habits. But then again, neither does traveling! So, while I hang out with all the members of my denomination for a week, while I stay in a hotel and eat out every day, while I hang with the kids from my youth group, I'll be trying, once again, to figure out how to be healthy in the midst of my faux jet setting lifestyle. That's a pretty tall order.
Now, going back to that roller coaster metaphor, this blog experiment is also a bit of a carnival ride emotionally for me. As I put my feelings and my life out there for all of you to see, I've discovered an awful lot of emotions that I've been burying for a long time. Anger, hurt feelings, shame etc. are kind of bubbling to the surface at unexpected times. I'm grateful for my family because they're just sort of taking it all in stride while I feel a little like a character from ONE FLEW OVER THE COOKOO'S NEST! I'm glad it's happening though because it is so cleansing to
finally voice these things that I've been carrying around for so long. It's like every time I cry it out or tell about it our what ever, I've lost another emotional pound. Boy, I sure do wish there was a scale to measure those! I'd have lost ten pounds just this week. But, as rewarding as it is to do psycho-calisthenics, I'm kind of hoping that this next week is emo-light. I think I've deserved some time off? Maybe if I'm not dealing with all that stuff I can find some more motivation to start the next phase of my weight loss plan. Okay, maybe I can PLAN the next phase of my weight loss plan.
So, as I sign of for now, please keep me in your prayers. This is just the beginning, the tip of the iceburg, the first layer of the onion, and so on. I can't do this without God and it seems I can't do it without you guys either!
Thanks for your support!
Laura
Hi there, after reading your blog today one thing came to mind. Pick yourself up a copy of the Rev. Norman Vincent Peale's Power of Positive thinking. Read a few chapters. You can find it at old or used bookstore. It is worth the read it it will help re-motivate you. Hang in there dear. We love you.
ReplyDeleteTry this technique that might help you psychologically. State a question and then provide an answer. Then re-state that answer as a question and give it an answer. Then take that answer, re-state that one as a question, and answer it. If done correctly, you will drill-down to the root cause of the original question. Try not to go in circles, though. :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHey there Laura, you are doing so fabulously on this journey! And yes, it does make it more tender to say all of this to other people, but I'm proud of you for keeping on! Do give yourself a break emotionally sometimes. It took me a long time to figure out that a process like this - working on any part of yourself - doesn't always have to be "work"! Be kind to yourself, the emotional work will have long term effects that you can't measure right now. Love you!
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