Since my goal today was to clean and organize the house I once again put on a HOARDERS marathon. Watching people deal with the worst kind of mess imaginable helps me feel less anxious about doing some basic house keeping and such. I think, if they can do it, so can I. And as I vacuum and mop my floors, as I take the trash out and clean the bathrooms and change the sheets on the bed I find myself reflecting on the fact that while I am not hoarder of stuff, I am a hoarder of food. And while my house is not a mess, my body is.
As I listen to the show and as I listen to the therapists work with the people struggling to purge their stuff I find myself feeling envious of the help those people are getting. I understand the peoples feelings of resistance to the changes being imposed on them but I have the added perspective of being an outsider looking in. I can see how much help they really do need.
For me, the prospect of losing 150 pounds feels as overwhelming as the prospect of cleaning out one of those houses. Combine that with the knowledge that I need to deal with the reasons I gained all the weight in the first place or I risk gaining it all back again and I really feel overwhelmed.
The subjects on HOARDERS argue with their therapists about why they have to keep this item or that and they remind me of myself rationalizing why I need something else to eat our why I can't exercise right now. Anyone on the outside can look at me say "look at what you're doing to yourself! How can you not see it?" But the problem is not nearly as obvious to me as it is to everyone else.
I'm curious if anyone has ever considered comparing an eating disorder with obsessive compulsive disorder? If they have, I've never heard of it before. And I wonder what kind of success people could have with OCD oriented treatment. Because, the fact is, more often than not when I'm eating something I shouldn't I'm acting out of some feeling of compulsion and not out of a rational decision I've made for myself.
Well, I guess I should get back to my house keeping cause this house ain't gonna clean itself!
I'll talk at y'all later!
Laura
I find I do most of my unnecessary eating not when I'm hungry, but when I'm bored or restless or unsatisfied. I go into the kitchen, and because I'm not actually hungry, the things that seem appetizing are the highest calorie sweet things. I've been trying to notice when I do this and drink water or chew gum instead. But a lot of the time, I don't notice until it's too late.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! I would say you're being a bit hard on yourself in this post, but what do I know? Whatever's helpful!
And hey, I just looked at your weight loss chart (I usually don't), and YOU'VE LOST OVER TEN POUNDS!!! That's awesome! Way to go!
ReplyDeleteEating disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder have to do with anxiety and control. When people who suffer from these conditions, they think they are losing control so they seek out control in whatever they can. It's the anxiety that fuels the control and when the control is slipping away, the person gets more anxious. More anxious -> tries to get more control...
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