Only a girl would cry through a romantic comedy!

PMS has been tripple-y confirmed. I just cried all the way through THE SWITCH starring Jason Bateman and Jennifer Anniston. For all you boys out there, you are so LUCKY you don't know what this is like! :-) And if any of you guys are considering gender reassignment surgery, you might want to reconsider. Seriously. Three weeks of every month I absolutely LOVE being a woman, I'm proud to be a woman, actually. But one week of the month can often be like visiting the psych ward 20 minutes before meds are handed out. I'm having a hard time concentrating on and caring about weight loss right now. Please pray that I'm able to keep it together just enough that I don't do any permanent damage, at least until this passes?

Okay, time to go to bed and read my action adventure book that will probably make me cry.

See ya tomorrow!
Laura

Six Flags Over Estrogen

Okay, so, yesterday was NOT a good day for me.  I don't know what it was but I was truly in a funk.  Actually, I guess I've been in a funk for a couple of days.  I definitely have PMS, and for you guys out there who think PMS is just an excuse for women to act badly, you are wrong.  My hormones are bouncing off the walls like a kitten on catnip.  I've had mood swings and cravings and fatigue like you wouldn't believe and absolutely nothing in me to fight any of it.  Luckily, as I've mentioned before, I live alone - so the mood swings only affected one person - Me!  Likewise, the cravings and fatigue affected only me as well.  But I found myself at home last night chowing down on a bag of Salsa Sun Chips like there was no tomorrow and sort of reveling in them.  Then I chased them down with two low sugar ice cream bars.  I mean, I guess if I'm going to binge, at least it was with the lowest calorie chips on the grocery store shelf and with the lowest sugar dessert in the freezer, but still.  By the time I went to bed I was feeling pretty bad about good ole Laura.  And this morning I still felt so bad that I didn't even bother weighing myself. 
I'm okay now, the PMS pendulum is swinging in an upward arch at the moment and my mood is pretty good.  I'm feeling more positive than I was last night, that's for sure.  But the reality is, it's time to make another major change in my life style if I"m going to see any real success on the scale and waist size.  So far, I've become way more aware of what I'm putting in my mouth, which is good since before all of this I was mindlessly stuffing "food" down my throat without any memory of what I'd eaten when it was gone.  I've also developed a community that is holding me accountable in my eating and behavior, so that's good too.  But now I have to take the next step.  It's time to develop a routine of intentional movement that gets my heart rate going and my muscles flexing.  It's also time to be even more conscientious about what I'm eating.  It's not enough that I'm aware.  Now I actually have to have a balanced diet.

When what I really want to do is whine loudly and tell you all of the reasons why this is too hard for me and why my life is not conducive to healthy living, I will instead set a positive goal for myself.  I will promise that starting tonight I will exercise until I sweat hard for at least 30 minutes for the next 3 days.  After those 3 days I will set another exercise goal for myself and move on from there.  *Sigh*

Why is life so hard?  Why is THIS so hard for me?  Why can't I just eat a normal amount of food and burn it like a normal person and not have to think about it for even one second?  Why?  WHY?  WWWHHHHYYYYYYY?!  Okay,  I did whine after all.  Sorry about that.  I guess I needed to get that out of my system. 

So, It's time to go for now.  Hopefully tomorrow I will have driven way past the hormonal amusement park and I'll be able to process everything in a much more sane and rational way.  DOWN with emotions and UP with reason!  Down with hormones and up with celery!  Gooooooo dark & leafy green veggies!  Yea!

See you on the flip side!

Laura 

Rainy Daze Are Here Again...

Well, I'm sitting in my office on this dark and stormy day wanting so badly to be curled up in my bed reading a good book! Instead I'm waiting for the waters that have flooded the rest of the church basement to finally creep on up to my threshold. The church's sump pump that pulls water off the foundation of the building drains from a large pipe into this big hole in the floor of my office bathroom. About every 20 seconds it gushes gallons of water into the hole and pretty much just makes me have to pee. On top of all that, it's warm and muggy in here and so I'm irritable and just sort of blech-y (I don't think that's a word). And how do I want to address this bad mood? CARBS! Lots and lots of sweet and/or salty carbs combined with sweat pants, my recliner and a great book or a rented movie chock full of gorgeous, sword bearing, bare chested men! Sadly, I don't think I'm going to get any of that this afternoon.

On the plus side, I have channeled my irritability into cleaning my desk, and anyone who knows me or who has seen my desk knows that is no small thing. Consequently, I am no longer in danger of dying under an avalanche of papers and books, which is good. I'd hate for one of my little church kids to wander in here on Sunday and find me like that. I do not want to be responsible for one person's decades of therapy trying to purge his or her little mind of that image! And now that I can both see my desk AND find my computer, I am able to both breath easily and blog; Two very good things.

I have to decide what to do for lunch and dinner that does not include fries, ice cream or pizza, so that probably means I need to go to the grocery store. And as much as I hate shopping for groceries, I hate shopping for groceries on a rainy day even more. But I desperately need things like toilet paper, cat food and hummus (and if I eat the hummus, I'll REALLY need the TP! Sorry, that's gross.) so I guess I'll suck it up and go.

I must say, it's days like this that make me glad I'm still single. I can be grouchy and such without worrying if I'm bringing someone else down with me. I can just wallow and I don't have to think about someone else's wellbeing. Though, having someone else to worry about could be the very thing that pulls me out of the doldrums. Hmmmmm...

Anyway, today's blog isn't much, but at least I'm getting back into the routine of posting every day. I'm sorry if I seem depressed and have motivated you into a bad mood as well. Please don't be in a bad mood! That would make me feel bad, and if everyone feels bad then that is just plain bad! I need you all to balance me out and lift me up so that on another day I can balance you and lift YOU up! Come on people, it takes a village to raise this Laura right so buck up and be strong! I need you to be positive so I can be positive too!

Okay, now that that has been said, I'm gonna make like rain and get the hail outta here!

Love ya,

Laura

Succulent Wild Woman

Well folks, I survived another week of camp and I only gained 1 pound.  I consider that to be a HUGE success!  Other successes include my hike to the cross, eating mostly my own food all week (which was easy at first but got harder as the week went on), and bonding with the kids in a way I never have gotten to since coming to Alabama.  One of the reasons I work with children and youth is because I get to see God so purely in them all the time, and this past week was no exception.  I have to brag about the kids for a second because, quite frankly, they deserve it.  I believe there were around 27 high school kids at CYF Conference (for you non-Disciples of Christ folks, that's Christian Youth Fellowship Conference, a.k.a. high school church camp!) and this year each and every one of them displayed such grace, such generosity, such love for one another that I was often moved to tears.  When I wasn't crying I was laughing at their jokes, intentional silliness and unintentional goofiness.  They welcomed each other so completely that I find it hard to imagine anyone felt un-accepted.  Basically, camp was the anti-high-school experience that I wish more teens could have.  I truly love each camper so much!

In addition to all of the inspiration I got from the kids I also received the most amazing amount of support from each and every person there.  I got hugs, "way to go's," warm fuzzy notes of encouragement AND notes of solidarity, and so much more that I had the intense feeling that there was no way I could fail with so many people lifting me up.  Nothing is better than positive reinforcement to motivate me to work harder. 

During my last family group meeting we went around the table and took turns hearing all the affirmations the group had to say about us.  When it was my turn, one lovely young lady called me a, and I quote, "succulent wild woman."  She said it was a phrase coined in a book her mom was reading and she said that was how she saw me.  I'd like to believe that by being a "Succulent Wild Woman," I am a woman who sucks the marrow out of life and savors every moment of it; that I am wildly free in my own skin; and that I encourage others to be free in their own skin as well.  That young lady, whom I shall call Rose gave me this label that I'm not sure I can live up to now, but I'd sure like to work towards being a "Succulent Wild Woman" in the near future.

All-in-all, my church camp experience was one to put down in the books and I wish I had another week of it to look forward to this summer.  I wish all of the seniors blessings and much success as you leave this phase of your lives and move on to bigger and different things.  Know that God goes with you, as do all of us.  We are here for you always.  And here is a bit of wisdom from this Wild Woman, make sure that you take advantage of every opportunity that God sends your way, take as much as you can from every experience you have, and live your life to the fullest.  And most importantly, do not be afraid to be vulnerable with the people in your lives.  I have learned that, while vulnerability is a frightening thing, it is also the one thing that allows us to be the best of who we are and invites others to be the best of who THEY are as well.

I love you all, and until we meet back here again,

Peace, love and Church Camp!

Laura

Conquering fear and climbing mountains

Fear is often a terrible thing.  Sometimes it's good - like when fear tells you, "now Laura, don't walk down that dark alley alone, it looks dangerous;" or when fear says, "It's probably not a good idea to look down the barrel of a loaded gun."  But very often fear keeps us from doing things that really could be something wonderful!  For the past 4 years I have avoided hiking to the cross at Camp Hargis, the campgrounds of the Christian Church in Alabama & North West Florida.  Every kid and counselor who comes here talks about completing this very special & traditional ritual but I didn't know how hard the hike would be so I never even tried it.  All this time, fear has kept me from being a part of something that so many people have loved to do.

This year I set myself 3 goals for church camp.  1 - I would buy and prepare all my own food for the week instead of eat the calorie laden and nausea inducing grease fest this camp calls breakfast, lunch and dinner; 2 - I would hike to the cross; and 3 - I would wear my bathing suit to the pool instead of jump in wearing my clothes.  Today is Tuesday, day 2, and I have already accomplished 2 of the 3 goals!  Before the campers got here I went to Publix and bought all my food for the week and have been making my own meals each time.  Because so many of the people at my camp have been reading this blog they have been so supportive of me in doing this.  The camp even gave me my own little corner in the walk-in cooler to keep all my food!  And yesterday, the whole camp took a silent hike to the cross and they all were so excited to be doing it with me, especially since they knew what it really meant to me.

I'm not gonna lie, that hike was HARD!  I sweat buckets, I got a little dizzy at times, my legs turned to Jell-O, I thought I might throw up a couple of times, and I really, really, really did not think I would make it all the way.  The majority of the trail is very doable, but right at the end the trail runs out and you basically rock climb the rest of the way to the top.  By the time I got to that point my legs were already a little wobbly and I was breathing fairly hard.  I took one look at the kids scaling that mountain and I said, "well, this is far as I go!"  I just knew that if I tried that I'd fall off tuck into a ball, roll down the mountain and never be heard from again.  I admit I was a little relieved that I had a good excuse to stop and rest for a while until everyone came back my way to head back. But then Beth, our director, made the WONDERFUL observation that there was a slightly easier trail around the corner.  My excuse to stop vanished like vapor and I was on the move again.  When I finally got to the top I poured my water bottle over my head, said a few cuss words under my breath, and signed the cross with a sharpie just like every pilgrim who came before me.  Then I shared with the kids why this was such a big deal to me.  Most of them did not know about my blog experiment and did not realize that I was on this amazing journey, so they had no idea why the other counselors were making such a big deal about me getting up there.  But when I shared with them my story they were so cool and supportive, and maybe by being vulnerable before them I've allowed other kids who have body image issues to feel freed up to talk about their journey's with someone as well.  Who knows right?  Well, it turns out that getting down the mountain was almost as hard as getting up, but by the time I got back to Giltner Hall, our home away from home, I had the most amazing, relaxing, excessively indulgent rest I've ever had in my life!

I have to admit that I'm feeling pretty good about things.  Even though my weight appears to be going up these last few days, I know I can't and shouldn't really do things any differently.  I'm going to be eating healthier this week than I have in the past two and I've already conquered one major fear.  Today I believe I'll conquer the second.  This afternoon, if it's not raining, I will put on my bathing suit, walk to the pool, and swim my little heart out in all my flabby glory!  I know that if I'm going to reach my goal of physical health and radiant beauty I'm going to have to get comfortable with my body no matter what form it is in today.   Therefore, I get to look forward to some refreshing playtime in the sun!

I hope all of this finds you doing well and your week treating you fabulously!  Tomorrow I will do my best to borrow another computer during one of our rare down times so I can keep you updated on my progress here at camp.

Shalom my friends,

Laura

Camp Food here I come!

Holy Moley was I tired!  Vacation Bible School was totally awesome - so awesome I wish more kids had come to experience it with us.  We learned all about Noah, the flood and the Ark, the kids got to make all kinds of awesome crafts - including a 6 foot long replica of the actual ark, they learned lots of new songs, and I got to hear my own name called out, on average, 30 times a second.  Now I know why Girl Scout Camp Counselors get nicknames for the summer - Anyone who has to hear their name called out that many times for that long will certainly file for a name change as soon as the summer is over.  Seriously, how annoying is this: "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!""Laura!""Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!" "Laura!"

If I weren't so tired it would have been hilarious!  Okay... it was still hilarious.

Anyway, as VBS week is my busiest week of the year (counting out the weeks when I'm out of town for things like camp, mission trip and General Assembly) and I survived it WITH weight loss success to boot!  Considering the fact that I ate pizza, cake, cookies and so forth this week, I count that as a HUGE success.  My "fitnesspal" app is really helping.  I was able to keep track of every calorie I ingested, even if it was Domino's pizza and cake.  That way I could make sure that, though I was eating junk food, I was still staying within my calorie limit for the day.  Super fun. 

So, now that I've survived a difficult diet week, I am now staring down the barrel of another difficult week.  I'm going to church camp.  Now, I have eaten a LOT of camp food over the years.  I've been going to camp since I was 8 and I know how bad camp food can be.  But I have to say that the food at this particular camp is the worst I have ever eaten.  Seriously, there is, at least, one fried food option at every meal - if not more - and I did not realize that you could actually over batter and over fry anything.  But these camp "chefs" have managed to do just that.  It really is unbelievable.  I'm tempted to call Guinness and let them know they should come check out these camp chicken fingers.  There is so much fried batter on them that it's debatable there's even any chicken in them at all.

I've talked to our camp director and have come up with a game plan to, you know, face this challenge head on.  I've decided to go to the grocery store near the camp grounds and buy all my own food for the week.  I've already made my shopping list because I have to be careful not to buy anything that has to be prepared and cooked in any way.  So, that means lots of sandwiches, Lean Cuisine dinners, low fat hot dogs, raw veggies, fresh fruit, and so on.  I will, I think, have access to a microwave while I'm there.  Regardless of what I consume, it will be WAY better and probably tastier than what I would be eating if I depended on the whims of the grease crazy lunch ladies from church camp hell.

There are two other things I've decided to do differently this year.  One is, I am going to take my bathing suit and actually swim in it instead of pretending that I forgot my suit and then just swim in my clothes.  I figure that if I'm putting myself out there on the Internet like this then I should probably just put myself out there with people who know me and love me too.  It stinks being fat and having to put on a bathing suit, but I think it's just one more step I can take to being realistic about who I am and what I look like today.  No more trying to ignore it and pretend the problem isn't there. 

The other thing I'm going to do differently this year is I will not make up an excuse not to hike to the cross.  It's an Alabama camping tradition that I have never done in the 4 years I've been here.  It's time and I'm looking forward to it.  I have no idea how difficult the hike is - heck, it might not be that big of a deal at all.  But I've built it up in my head as being something I can't do and I'm tired of being afraid.  So, I will huff and I'll puff and I'll drag my big butt up to that landmark and I'll finally be able to say that I've been to the cross!  But, I might go it alone so no one else has to see me turn all red in the face and stop every 3 steps to catch my breath ;-).

It's time for me to sign off for now.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers this next week and check in to see if I've posted.  I've been told that there are computers I can use after hours and I will do my best to sneak away from the festivities long enough to let you all know how I'm doing.

So, for now, I'm gonna make like a tree and leave!

Laura

There's an App for that!!!

I have a new toy that is making this weight loss thing just a little bit more fun.  You know how they say in the commercials, "There's an app for that?"  Well, they are NOT kidding!  I have a new app on my Droid called myfitnesspal and it helps me keep a log of everything I eat, all of the calories and nutrients I'm supposed to eat each day, and all of the exercise I do as well.  I told it what I weigh, how tall I am, how much I want to lose total, how much I want to lose each week, and how active I am on average through out the week.  Then it told me how many calories I should eat each day to reach my goal.  Each day, as I enter each thing that I consume, it subtracts those calories from my daily allotment.  SO cool!  And so easy!  It even has a bar code scanner so you don't actually have to type everything in by hand - you know, to save time.  On top of all that, it keeps track of all of my daily nutrition, so I know if I'm consuming too much fat, salt, carbs, etc each day.  So, even though I haven't had time to sit down and blog this week, I've at least been able to keep up with all my stats right there on my phone. 

This week is one of my busiest weeks in the year and, as you might have noticed, I've been a little bit AWOL from my blogging commitment.  That is because, all week I have been decorating and RE-decorating (because each day requires different decorations!), making copies, sending text messages, answering my phone and answering questions, running down to the basement to grab some supplies, then running UP to the 3rd floor to deposit the supplies, running out to buy something I'd forgotten, baking and decorating a cake (hence the butter cream icing yesterday!), and on and on and on.  By the time I get home everyday I'm so exhausted all I do is fall into my chair and watch TV for a couple of hours before I fall into my bed and pass out.  And I am having so much fun!  I can't believe I get paid to do this. 

In addition to the crazy hours, I'm also having trouble finding something healthy to eat when I finally realize that I'm hungry.  I haven't been home enough to eat there and I've been flat broke for like 3 days so I couldn't even go out to get something.  So, I've had to sort of graze on what was available at the church - basically, snack food.  THANKFULLY the woman in charge of the VBS snacks has been lovely enough to get things that are sort of, kind of, a little bit healthy and not all the way junk filled snacks.  She's had water bottles, baked chips, and fruity-chewing thingies made with - get this - REAL fruit!  Not the greatest sustenance for a shrinking woman, but it could be a whole lot worse.  Thank the good Lord in heaven, our treasurer wrote pay checks early so I can afford to eat healthy food for the rest of the week.  And VBS is over tomorrow!  As much as I love it, I am also kind of happy to say good bye to that wonderful week of wackiness.  Four days of this is quite enough for me. 

I am VERY excited about the festivities awaiting me this evening.  The Peachtree Christian Church C.A.S.T. is on Tour this week and tonight they are coming to MY church.  Some of you know exactly what I'm talking about, but for those of you who just had the word "Huh?" run across your brain, let me explain.  My home church - the one I grew up in - Peachtree Christian Church from Atlanta Ga. has a pretty awesome youth program.  Part of that program includes C.A.S.T. (Christian Acting Singing Troupe) and every year they do a play or musical and go on tour with it in the summer.  I grew up in C.A.S.T. and loved every minute of it - in fact, I credit my director (Nancy Oliver) with teaching me how to be a strong public speaker. It is because of her all the hard of hearing folks in my congregation never miss a word of any sermon I preach (hopefully, that's a good thing).  I can't wait to show off my old church group to my new church group and to see what kind of entertainment C.A.S.T. has planned for us tonight!

Well, it's getting late in the afternoon and I still have tons to do.  I thank you all for being patient with my inconsistent blogging this week, because it just couldn't be helped.  Hope you're all doing well and I will see you back here, hopefully, tomorrow! 

I'm off like a dirty shirt!

Laura