As time goes by...

Well, it's been a really long time since I checked in here, and a lot has happened. I gained a lot of weight, I left my job, I got a new job, I moved to a new town, I moved my parents in with me, I got a dog, I turned 40, and now I'm trying this weight loss thing again. I'm not sure If I'm going to be able to maintain this blog while I'm losing this weight because last time I got sort of overwhelmed by the idea of so many people being "in" on my process. With all of my delusions of grandeur and fantasies of being famous, the reality is that I work best in anonymity. But I also love to write. So, there's the rub.   Anyway, I'm here today and I want to catch you up.

For Christmas this past year I told my family that I essentially wanted The Biggest Loser team to work with me without the soul sucking, humiliating, bulgefest of standing in my underwear on an elephant scale in front of the whole world.  Basically, I wanted the dietitians, the trainers, the therapists, and the personal chefs to move into my house for a year and basically force me through the whole weight loss process.  If I'd gotten so big that I could EAT a village, it was going to TAKE a village to help me get healthy again!  Well, needless to say, I did not get a village for Christmas.  What I did get was a commitment from my parents to support me this year as I really tried to make an effort at being a healthier, smaller human being. 

When I started in January of 2014 I weighed in at 338 pounds.  Last week I weighed in at 310 pounds.  On top of that, my resting heart rate has gone from 90 beats per minute to 67 beats per minute, and my cholesterol and blood pressure are almost normal.  I still have a long way to go, but that's a pretty good start!

However, here's the reality of my problem.  My accountability partners (aka, my parents) have been out of town for the weekend and I have totally fallen off the wagon.  I've had 3 huge ice cream sundaes, a bunch of potato salad, french fries, a chocolate malt (with extra malt), and some very cheesy baked spaghetti.  I've also spent a total of 238 hours lying on the couch watching TV, and I've turned into a total slug.  And the 'Rents have only been gone since Saturday afternoon! 

The thing is, I have a food addiction.  I know that.  It's the whole reason I am as big as I am.  And it's the reason that I need a village to help me succeed in achieving a healthy lifestyle.  But one thing I've learned this year (so far), is that losing weight is a life long endeavor.  It's not something I have to do in one season over the span of 15 episodes.  This is my life we're talking about.  It's a journey.  And sometimes, like this weekend, I hit a ridiculously gigantic pothole and I have to stop to change my tire.  But then I get back in the car and I keep moving forward.  I told my doctor the other day that if I'm only losing one pound a month rather than gaining or staying the same then I'm doing really well.  Thankfully, he agreed.  So, as I sign off, I'm going to go get a big glass of ice water, get on my knees to ask God for strength to make good choices tomorrow, and NOT beat myself up for consuming over 3 times my allotted caloric intake for the last 2 days.

Off the wagon

I have to begin with an apology. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. I'd like to say it's because I've just been so dog-gone busy but that's just not the case. The reality is, I've galen of the wagon and I've been too ashamed to face you. It started at General Assembly. First I let myself eat some french fries at the burger joint we went to. They were so good and, really, it's okay because we were doing SO much walking. Then I bought the kids Ice cream and thought, what the heck, what's the harm, really? So I ate some too. Before I knew it I was home and full on binging on ice cream and chips in the privacy of my home. I haven't weighed myself, but I feel as if I've gained every pound back. The worst part is I feel like I've failed myself AND all of you.

I know I can't give up and so I've been giving myself all the typical lectures - you have to just get back on that horse, winners never quit and quitters never win, yadda yadda yadda, and so forth. But the reality is, I'm feeling pretty hopeless and discouraged tonight. I'm also feeling pretty alone in this. And as I've said before, I'm not very good when I'm alone.

Please keep me in your prayers as I attempt to regain my positive attitude, and as I figure out how to achieve the daunting goal of losing 150 pounds.

Thanks for all your support y'all, I'll talk to you soon, hopefully tomorrow.

Laura

"Tell It!"

I just heard the most amazing sermon tonight at General Assembly! She preached about hope and justice and about the power of telling your own story to other people. The theme this year is TELL IT! As a small but powerfull denomination, we are trying to find our place AND our voice in the world. So, it seems that this year we are going to try and drum up some enthusiasm for telling people about why we love being a Disciple of Christ (no, it is not a cult). Though I DO love being a DOC I won't go into the reasons here (but if you want to know, feel free to email me later!) The reason I want to talk about that sermon is because I have definitely discovered the amazing power of opening yourself up to people and sharing your story with them.

I have found this blog experiment to be the most liberating experience of my life. I think most of you know what it feels like to want people to like you, you know what it feels like to have things you hope no one finds out about. We all have felt the pressures of having a secret you'd be ashamed to tell. For me it was the shame of my eating disorder and it was definitely the shame of that number on the scale. By telling all of you every detail of my life in this way, by telling the world what that awful, terrible, no good number is on my scale, I have released any inappropriate shame into the atmosphere and I am taking responsibility for the things I have done wrong.

The big, giant terrible fear I had when I started all of this was, "oh my gosh, what if someone judges me? What if people think I'm weak or pitiful or pathetic? What if people think less of me?" I know I'm not the only person to have those fears and I won't be the last, but by taking the leap and by telling, literally, everyone what I weigh, what I eat and what I'm going through I have taken back the power from all those fears and I've given myself permission to move on.

Confession truly is cleansing for the soul. And while I don't believe a priest has the power to forgive my sins, I do believe the Catholic practice of confession is extremely hethy and is very healing. Now, I'm not telling you to walk up to strangers and tell them you enjoy wearing underwear on your head while watching the evening news, that might be too much sharing. But Ihave found this "Telling" thing to be a truly powerful and life changing experience and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to try it to. Trust me, the first confession is the hardest, but it gets much easier from there!

Love you all

Laura

Chaos Calls for Creative Dieting

Today was a day of bad choices and good choices. I ate 2 McDonalds cheese burgers but then I ate an apple. I ate a Cupcake Co.'s delicious keylime pie concoction. Then I went to Chili's Bar & Grill and ate a Quesadilla Explosion salad, which is one of the lowest calorie choices on the menue. I feel bad about the burgers and guilty about the cupcake but the apple and salad cause me to feel a tad bit smug. Crazy you say? A little irrational? Maybe. But what a great life would I have if I could figure out how to have my keylime cake and eat it to!?

While I've heard from several of you that you're worried about me because I'm not eating right the reality is, I have to do this my way one day at a time. If there is one thing I've learned from this process it's this: for every person who has lost weight, there is a different idea of what I should do to lose weight. Since I can't possibly do everything every person tells me I should do, I have to figure out what works best for me and my lifestyle. And the way I figure that out is by trial and error.

One thing is absolutely true about my life style - I have GOT to figure out how to lose weight by eating out 60% of the time. That's because about 60% of my life is spent traveling or just not at home at meal times. So all the folks who tell me I'll never lose weight unless I cook all my own meals and who say I must strictly monitor all the calories I consume are just going to have to get over that craziness right now!

I'm getting ready to go to the General Assembly of the Christian Church (Disciples of Christ). I will be traveling with youth, I will be staying in a hotel, I will be attending banquets where I have no choice in what I will eat and I an going to have to figure out how to maneuver through all that like bomb specialist walking through a mine field. There is very little planning ahead that can take place so every step I take will come with its own combo of decisions.

I'm looking forward to the challenge and I think I'm going into it with a good attitude. I have high hopes for a successful week. So, keep me in your prayers and I'll keep you in mine. And anyone who's reading this who's planning on being at the G.A feel free to bring your walking shoes and join me in a lap around the Convention Center!

Peace, Love, and Keylime Cupcakes!

Laura

(P.S. Normally I am obsessive about proof reading my stuff before I post it, but since I've been using my phone, that's become kind of difficult. Please forgive any misspelled words, typos, and grammatical mistakes. While I often lie awake obsessing about them, there's not much I can do short of deleting the whole post. So, thank you for your lack of judgement! LH)

Now boarding THE SCREAM MACHINE

Life is such a roller coster of highs and lows, good and bad success and failure and so forth. But the thing that comes in between the black and white of all that good and bad is the so-so-ness of gray. Right now, in regards to my weight loss experiment I am wading in the stagnant waters of grayness. I'm completely unmotivated yet I have NOT given up. I'm just sort of waiting for something to click in me that gets me back on track.

I said yesterday that I was dreading my weigh-in because I was so undisciplined while in Atlanta with my family. Miracle upon miracles, as of this morning my weight had not changed a single ounce. I'm still at 313.1. That's a HUGE relief because the way I ate those 3 days should have caused me to put on 5 pounds, at least!

Today I slept almost the whole day because I'm trying to beat this cold before I head out to General Assembly this weekend. And being sick does not lend itself to healthy eating habits. But then again, neither does traveling! So, while I hang out with all the members of my denomination for a week, while I stay in a hotel and eat out every day, while I hang with the kids from my youth group, I'll be trying, once again, to figure out how to be healthy in the midst of my faux jet setting lifestyle. That's a pretty tall order.

Now, going back to that roller coaster metaphor, this blog experiment is also a bit of a carnival ride emotionally for me. As I put my feelings and my life out there for all of you to see, I've discovered an awful lot of emotions that I've been burying for a long time. Anger, hurt feelings, shame etc. are kind of bubbling to the surface at unexpected times. I'm grateful for my family because they're just sort of taking it all in stride while I feel a little like a character from ONE FLEW OVER THE COOKOO'S NEST! I'm glad it's happening though because it is so cleansing to
finally voice these things that I've been carrying around for so long. It's like every time I cry it out or tell about it our what ever, I've lost another emotional pound. Boy, I sure do wish there was a scale to measure those! I'd have lost ten pounds just this week. But, as rewarding as it is to do psycho-calisthenics, I'm kind of hoping that this next week is emo-light. I think I've deserved some time off? Maybe if I'm not dealing with all that stuff I can find some more motivation to start the next phase of my weight loss plan. Okay, maybe I can PLAN the next phase of my weight loss plan.

So, as I sign of for now, please keep me in your prayers. This is just the beginning, the tip of the iceburg, the first layer of the onion, and so on. I can't do this without God and it seems I can't do it without you guys either!

Thanks for your support!

Laura

A speedy trip in a nutshell

It's late so I'm gonna do this quick. Here are the events of the past 4 days in a nutshell:
Had church (praise God!)
Drove to GA to see the 'Rents, my Cuz, my cuz-in-law, and 3 beautifully behaved pooches (woopee!)
Saw a movie about talking, transforming auto-bots (ate candy)
Made dinner with the fam' (ate too much)
Kissed the' Rents goodbye (sniff)
Drove to Sis's house (yea!)
Made out with my baby niece (SOOOOO CUTE!)
Hung out with the sis and the Nanny who is my Cuz (awesome)
Panera Bread Co. for Sup (ate a cookie)
Dropped my jaw at the Casey Anthony verdict (what?!)
Didn't get enough sleep (yawn)
Woke up with my mom's cold (sniff cough)
Ate lunch with the Aunt and the nanny-cuz (cool and yummy)
Hung out with an old friend and her spawn (fun)
Drove home (radio)
Ate fast food and main-lined diet coke (ugh)
Kissed 3 kitties (awwwww)
Took a double dose of Nyquil (Eeeesh)
Went to bed (Zzzzzzzzz)
Dread the A.M. weigh-in.

Food for Thought

Since my goal today was to clean and organize the house I once again put on a HOARDERS marathon. Watching people deal with the worst kind of mess imaginable helps me feel less anxious about doing some basic house keeping and such. I think, if they can do it, so can I. And as I vacuum and mop my floors, as I take the trash out and clean the bathrooms and change the sheets on the bed I find myself reflecting on the fact that while I am not hoarder of stuff, I am a hoarder of food. And while my house is not a mess, my body is.

As I listen to the show and as I listen to the therapists work with the people struggling to purge their stuff I find myself feeling envious of the help those people are getting. I understand the peoples feelings of resistance to the changes being imposed on them but I have the added perspective of being an outsider looking in. I can see how much help they really do need.

For me, the prospect of losing 150 pounds feels as overwhelming as the prospect of cleaning out one of those houses. Combine that with the knowledge that I need to deal with the reasons I gained all the weight in the first place or I risk gaining it all back again and I really feel overwhelmed.

The subjects on HOARDERS argue with their therapists about why they have to keep this item or that and they remind me of myself rationalizing why I need something else to eat our why I can't exercise right now. Anyone on the outside can look at me say "look at what you're doing to yourself! How can you not see it?" But the problem is not nearly as obvious to me as it is to everyone else.

I'm curious if anyone has ever considered comparing an eating disorder with obsessive compulsive disorder? If they have, I've never heard of it before. And I wonder what kind of success people could have with OCD oriented treatment. Because, the fact is, more often than not when I'm eating something I shouldn't I'm acting out of some feeling of compulsion and not out of a rational decision I've made for myself.

Well, I guess I should get back to my house keeping cause this house ain't gonna clean itself!

I'll talk at y'all later!

Laura